Carry Me
2026-05-28
I had a long nap this afternoon, and ran a bunch of errands this morning. It's been a dull day, but a day nonetheless. I've been having to take my antipsychotics more frequently. When there's a night I feel like I know I'll be up for a while, taking the pill helps me fall asleep, but makes the next day feel rather sluggish. I have to drink more caffeine to stay afloat, but even then I'll still have to nap so that my energy doesn't completely dip. It's a strange thing with me, because I know that it would be better to be sober, but I have to take drugs to stay sane. It's a twisted kind of irony; there are some drugs that make you insane, and in order to stay sane, I have to take different, more powerful drugs. I feel like a pharmacological experiment gone awry, and even though I don't have any substance abuse problems that would necessitate going to some kind of rehab again—I just feel like it's a kind of problem that won't ever go away.
As I've been growing in my faith, one of my favorite aspects of it has become fasting. I've gotten better at keeping fasts on Wednesdays and Fridays, and even though I'm not receiving the Eucharist yet, I feel the spiritual smelting taking place. One thing that makes me a bit sad is not having enough energy or discipline to make prayers part of my routine. I know I can execute that, especially since I have a morning hygiene routine I can reliably perform most days; it's just a matter of adding that extra step, I suppose. I find it discomforting to have that reticence in my spiritual life—whether it be days I can't make it to my icon corner or feeling like I don't have the energy to attend church. My main concern is being too hard on myself with the routine, feeling like I'm not doing enough on days where I don't say certain prayers or weeks where I don't attend church. Practicing faith isn't supposed to be this rigid, legalistic thing anyway. The mysticism is what keeps me together, honestly.
I know I can give it all to God every day, and it doesn't have to take an elaborate effort to do so. A sign of the cross, a revolution around the prayer rope, a few prostrations where I can—those go a longer way than anything else, really. Of course, the church provides the community and spiritual authority that surrounds those small everyday moments, but I've found that the most spiritually rewarding times thus far have been when I'm alone and can really sit with the moment. Trying to align myself to God's will is a profoundly difficult exercise of focus, and the deterrent is a very real and sometimes scary thing. These days, I find myself getting worried when I go a few hours without thinking about God's love. In the same way I might feel like I miss a good friend or family member when I haven't contacted them for a while—that's how I feel about God.
The first and foremost commandment Christ gave us was to love the Lord with all our mind, heart, and soul. I think we get solid imitations of this with our fellow humans, but it's a different pursuit to love God entirely. Being bound to flesh is a strange thing; we get hungry, thirsty, horny, whatever else—and it makes us lose our sense of divine focus. We become too materially bound, I think. It can be so much so that it clouds those more intangible, but more fundamental things that actually matter. I think we all struggle with periods of loneliness. Earlier today, I was watching this documentary about loneliness in young people, and to me it was strange seeing people around my age discussing the symptoms, but not providing the actual diagnosis. There was one lady who worked as a social media influencer and was into manifestation; there was this guy who moved to a new city and had a single friend there, but realized the relationship "consumed more energy than it gave him."
Many young people feel lonely because they're a bit entitled, I think. We are not entitled to feeling good all the time, and feeling bad or sad or lonely is a totally normal part of life. If we didn't have those bad times, there wouldn't be any good times, would there? Being in a room full of people—even people you love—and still feeling alone is a completely normal and fine thing. That feeling of loneliness helps you figure out your next move, quite frankly. It can help decide where you might need to reach out, or help you take steps to figure out what's actually missing. For me, I realized the thing I was missing was the church. I was missing a true spiritual community. Even beyond the material things I get from going to church, there's a sense I feel when I go that things are going to be okay, and that's worth more than anything else I could receive from the rest of the world.
God's got a great way of meeting you exactly where you're at; sometimes it doesn't look like moving forward.
Maybe you just need to be carried for a little while.
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