2025-08-22
I haven't come here to write in a while because I've been extremely tired and depressed. Over the last week or so, I've spent most of my time asleep. As I am writing this entry, my fatigue persists. It's been rather frustrating dealing with this, and it makes life nearly impossible to enjoy. I know that if I use a CPAP, I probably wouldn't be this tired all the time, but I can't seem to use it because it's too uncomfortable on my face. I have made dozens of attempts with several different masks, but none of them seem to help. I have a hard time falling asleep as it is, so adding the element of the mask makes falling asleep practically impossible. It sucks because I literally cannot function as a basic human being without it. Not only do I have to deal with the fatigue from sleep apnea, but I also have to deal with depressive symptoms still. I dread waking up every day because I know that I will have to face the day with constant pain, which makes it difficult to do basically anything. Thankfully I've gotten better at taking care of myself in certain regards such as hygiene and doing basic chores to keep my environment clean, but I still have to deal with the constant pain that comes with depression. It's unlike any other kind of pain one can experience. The hardest part about my depression is its chronic nature. Episodes used to last months at a time, but now they usually only last a few weeks after figuring out ways to manage it. Still though, I face several episodes of depression a year and when they happen, I have to put anything I'm pursuing on hold. As such, it's made it practically impossible to maintain any kind of gainful employment or any kind of long-term project. It makes me feel incapable of keeping up with the world and I constantly feel like an embittered loser.
One thing that has made life harder due to my depression is the fact that I can't enjoy any kind of media anymore. I remember I used to enjoy experiences all different kinds of stories and aesthetics, but nowadays it all feels hollow and pointless. Now, I find it hard to sit down and watch anything because I always end up getting upset about something in it. It's hard to concentrate when I get depressed, so reading is a much more laborious activity than it used to be. Finding good books to read is usually a challenge. It's unfortunate, but there's a lot of slop out there and combing through it is exhausting. Moreover, it just feels like everything is slop these days. I know that's not actually true, but my perception is clouded by the pain I have constantly been feeling. It's difficult to even get my thoughts out because it feels like there's a buffer of some kind in my head that makes it harder to process things. I feel so much slower and dumber than usual.
Thankfully I haven't had any perceivable mania happen in a while. Mania generally feels more preventable because the main thing I have to attend to is my sleep. As long as I get consistent sleep, mania generally doesn't rear its head. I'm thankful that I haven't had any mania and have only been dealing with depression. Mania always ends up in me making a multitude of stupid decisions that I end up regretting later. I hate how I can never trust my own judgment because of how many stupid decisions I make. I also hate the paranoia that I have. I always feel as if there's some kind of imminent danger at every corner. I hope I can get past the traumas I've faced. I struggle so much with feeling like a real person in a real world. Everything feels so manufactured to me, or like I'm always in some kind of dream. I don't know how to deal with it every single day, so I usually just end up staying inside and isolating myself because of how much I fear being alive. At this point, I don't see things getting better. I only see them getting worse.