Day One
2026-10-23
Every day is Day One.
The mysteries of life continue to confound me, and while I still deal with immense fatigue, listlessness, and a general cavity in the recesses of my heart—I still find myself wondering how I'm going to get through all of this shit. Even when my life revolves around reducing stress, I still find myself worked up over so many inconsequential things. Yet what I try to remind myself of is that all of those qualms are a repressed way of dealing with a simple, devastating fact: I am in pain. I try not to let the pain get to me, but there are many moments during the day where the aches become too achy, and I end up doing nothing about it. Perhaps because there isn't anything I can do about it, and while I try relentlessly to capture moments of stillness, I find that they elude me more than anything else. I don't believe that I am meant to suffer, but rather that this pain is a gift that few know how to handle. It's been given to me because I am meant to turn it into something beautiful, and that's what I am attempting here. Though my judgments of my own style can get in the way of what feels like a futile attempt at beauty, I still find myself inspired to capture my thoughts in a way that few care to do. Moment by moment, impulse by impulse—it all fades away, even if it stays for a little while.
Sleeping, staring at the ceiling, smoking, crying, and praying—what a life that is, isn't it? I find myself not defeated, but overwhelmed by this battle only I can see. These little beings floating around us—despite the fact that they're everywhere, no one seems to notice them. Those little things get worried when they realize I can see them, like I've been given something that shouldn't have been given to me. It's not like I want it, but I have it anyway; perhaps there's no taking it away from me, either. Yet there is always a chance to start anew, to do something, to get it going. For me, all I care about is purification; even though there's a chance of deification, of a truly everlasting life, my only motivation for this sojourn is to find rest. I have no desire to chase a feeling or an experience. Instead, maybe I can just catalog these flowing thoughts for a while longer, see where they end up taking me. More than likely, it'll be just another nowhere, but at least it'll be inching toward something.
Anything.
The other day, I thought about God's ability to zap all of us out. I begged Him not to do it. Not yet.
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