Tech Stress
2025-10-20
CW: Contains references to suicidal thoughts and self-harm
I had another meltdown today, my third one in about two weeks. This time it was caused by a technological kerfuffle: my sister (she has an intellectual disability and autism) shares an Apple account with my mom. This happened out of convenience and negligence to technological illiteracy. Anyways, my sister has been downloading AI image generator apps that, of course, have predatory in-app purchases and charge out the wazoo for image generation. My mom had her credit card information connected to her Apple account, so my sister started charging hundreds of dollars worth of in-app purchases on my mom's card. I had to take the information off of my mom's account and hide the credit card from my sister, but she found a hack. She found that if she factory reset her phone and used an iCloud backup, it would restore the credit card information on her device. Then she factory reset her device dozens of times. Then she erased my mom's iPhone data—all of it—and basically bricked her phone. This has brought me a metric ton of stress. We still have to go to the phone store and get her eSIM restored. I am beyond upset about it.
So after having my meltdown, I feel completely and utterly drained and exhausted. I don't want to do fucking anything today. I don't want to go to the phone store, or figure out all the other shit this incident started, or fucking anything at all. But here I am, still alive and still having to sit here with all of this shit swirling around in my head. This has been my third meltdown in two weeks and I have no idea what's going on with me. I feel so fucked up. Nothing I do takes all of this extra baggage off my head. I am so weighed down by the constant stress of it all. I don't know what to do about it. No matter how much I breathe, pray, work out, take care of myself, or whatever the fuck else I do to keep myself from cutting my throat open, it doesn't do fuck all to help me.
I am constantly, constantly, in a state of complete drainage and misery. Life sucks so bad. It really does. It is as if I am in a constant waking hell, every single day. I never want to get out of bed in the morning—I can't face the day. I can't face any day. I look forward to nothing. Everything feels like it's a black hole. Nothing is cool anymore. Nothing is good anymore. Life is nothing but a series of stressful thing after stressful thing and the only true reprieve would come from shooting myself in the fucking mouth.
I'm sorry if this causes stress to my readers. I really am. This diary is my only sense of reprieve from this. I write not because I want to, but because if I don't, I would actually be driven to suicide or murder. Unfortunately, that's not hyperbole. If I didn't have this space to just let it all out, I don't know what the hell I'd do. It just keeps coming out and out and out and I can't seem to make it stop.
When I write, I feel the pressure valve release just a little bit—just for a few minutes. It all is too much for me to take. I don't know why I can't handle this shit. I am truly the weakest of the weak. God is making me suffer for reasons that I can't understand. I want to just bash my brains out against the wall. It's beyond my control. It's beyond my sense of anything at all. I'm hurting too much.
There is no rest.