How Bad It Gets
2025-10-18
Last night I started feeling depressed and felt that way this morning too. When I woke up, I didn't even want to take on the day and decided to fall back asleep. A few hours later I wake up again and I feel less horrible, but I still sense the depression creeping back into my body. I had some tense moments over the course of last night and this morning as well. In these tense moments, the only thing I want to do is hurt myself.
I'm afraid of what I'd do if I set out to hurt other people, always have been. So in those moments I set out to cause pain, I make myself the primary target. For a long time, the main outlet I had for these moments was cycling and doing drugs. If something horrible was happening in my life, I could go out late at night and ride as hard as I could to let out all the stress. I'd take LSD and ride my bike all day, looking for release through the uptake in serotonin and adrenaline.
But now, I am not as physically fit as I used to be. I let my bipolar take over. The meds made me gain weight and I'd still get depressed, so my fitness tanked over the course of a year. Since then, it's been an uphill battle getting back to a healthier state, but I know that I'm against the clock with my diabetes. I've recently been getting more bouts of nerve pain, and that's been scaring me.
Even though I've been making efforts to better my health, I believe that these efforts won't amount to a whole lot because of just how much is on my plate. The bipolar has made me turn to drugs for a lot of things and the benders I've been on have made things worse. I'll die in my fifties most likely due to the horrible combination of preexisting conditions and poor choices I've made.
When I get depressed, I always pray for God to have mercy on me and kill me. I pray for this because the pain is often so hard to carry. Nothing ever matters when I get depressed. All I want is to die so that I can stop experiencing this torture my brain puts me through. Ambition gets thrown out the window; there's no point in wanting for more because of how much pain I'm in. There's no reward or good fortune that can reverse this feeling—it's all internal. It makes life so hard to live when I feel like this. The barrier between me and God is like an iron door. It's hard to think that He can hear me. I don't feel His love, or anyone else's for that matter.
I think about how my death wouldn't really change the world that much. And that's not an egocentric thing—it doesn't matter how famous or how much impact one has on the world because once we die, all of that quantity reduces to zero. For the famous ones, it fades out a lot slower, but even they will be forgotten.
I know that if I were to die today, most of the people in my life would be able to get over it and forget about me. That's not because they didn't care about me, but because that's what they would have to do. And for me, my impact isn't all that great. I'm just a little guy who runs around in circles all day.
God is making me feel this way for reasons I can't fully explain. One thing I've said to make myself feel better: you can't know how good it'll be until you understand how bad it can get.