Tiring

2026-07-28

One nice thing about being depressed is that it almost feels like I have the luxury to tell God, "No, Lord, turn your back on me. I don't need any favors." Because I'm just so tired and incapable of doing most things, it kind of feels nice to not need a lot. Even if I feel that there's some kind of all-out assault on my mind and body, I can at least rest easy knowing that it'll be over soon enough, and that something new will begin eventually. I've been handling depression better, especially over the last year or so. I think the mix of my supplements, managing routines, and writing every day has made the load a lot easier; it's still tough to go through it, but it's not as bad as it used to be. In part, I also used to blame myself for it a lot more, and would try to keep taking things on in life as an effort to compensate for it. These days, I wouldn't say that I've given up, but I've just become more realistic with things and have become more comfortable with submitting to them. No matter how much management I do, the episodes will still be around; there's no cure for what I've got, and so I've accepted that it's just my lot in life and I have to deal with it.

I can get preoccupied with my perceptions of the perceptions of others, though, as misconstrued and delusional as they might be. I used to feel guilty that I can look healthy and lively on the outside, but absolutely defeated and distraught on the inside. It made me feel incompatible with everything, like I'm some kind of glitch in the system; maybe I am, but that's just something I have to live with. Those with more pronounced disabilities seem to have a brighter disposition, and I think that's just because it's easier for others to empathize with them. People with "invisible" disabilities, as it were, seem to have a harder time carrying their conditions with dignity; I know that's the case for me. I often don't come off as disabled to others, and it can almost feel like coming out of the closet when it comes up in conversation. Especially when I first get to know new people, it's always so strange having to divulge this information to them. I'm not very confident about it when I do it, and I can tell that other people have a hard time hearing me explain myself to them.

It's tiring.

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