Pretend-Silence
2026-06-20
Out and about with my folks this weekend, but I'm still making time to do, well, you know. Anyway, I don't really have a whole lot on my mind, except for the sounds of nature. I think a lot of people say that they want to get out into nature to get away from the "hustle and bustle" of the city—cars driving on the streets, lots of chatter, those assholes with the exhaust mods on their cars who slam their foot on the gas in a school zone. But honestly, I don't think the sounds of nature are less annoying. Birds chirping, cicadas buzzing—I think that shit is more annoying than a city. I try to find silence in music; if I can control the stimuli going into my ears, I can at least pretend there's some form of silence, right?
It's a strange thing, dealing with noise. In a lot of situations when I'm out and about, I carry a small set of noise-reducing earplugs so that I don't get overwhelmed by all the loud shit that everyone else just seems to not mind. I've always been that way, but felt I had to mask my anxiety about it so I didn't seem like a "pussy" or whatever. But my ears—and my eyes—have always been sensitive. I love music, but find it hard to go to shows because of all the sensory overwhelm. I know they have those sensory-friendly performances, and I can't believe I haven't taken the time to go to one. When I was younger, I felt like I had to overcompensate for my sensitivity. When I was around 18, I went with my friends to JMBLYA, a yearly hip hop music festival. It was in the middle of the intense heat of the Texas Hill Country, water was quite scarce, and people were crowding and bumping under the thunderous hum of the 808s.
I decided to go in jeans and flip-flops. And yes, I moshed in them shits.
By the end of the night, though, my friends sneaked into the VIP section, but I got caught, so I had to hang out in the back of the crowd for the Chance the Rapper headlining show. Remember that guy? Anyway, once I didn't have to worry about coming off as a cool tough guy in front of my pals (they didn't care, just me), I went into a porta-potty for like twenty minutes just to get out of the exhausting overwhelm of the event. I remember sitting in there, just trying to get a break from all the noise. It didn't help much, but it gave me space to kind of freak out for a little bit. Even though it was hot as balls in there, I got a chance to crash out in private, at least. For a long time, when I had those crash-out moments, I tended to make weird noises and hit myself. At that point, I didn't care what anyone thought; I just needed to let it out. I cried my eyes out, bit myself, hit myself, just whatever I could do to calm down.
I did catch the last few songs of the Chance the Rapper show. It was pretty good.
As I've gotten older, I've learned that I don't have to be so scared to find and ask for certain accommodations. Over the last ten years or so, it's gotten a lot easier, especially at public events. But I've become a bit of a recluse over most of the last ten years, so these days I just try to keep myself entertained in my small bubble. However, the last year or so has been kinder to me, and with events like church and trivia, I've become better at getting back out there. Still, there's always more I can do, and while it's been a slow process working through my anxieties about it, I'm getting better piece by piece. I'm hoping as I approach my thirties, I can really come into my own, flaws and all.
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