2026-06-04
I spent most of yesterday sleeping, so I couldn't write at all. Thankfully, I still had enough stamina in me to get to trivia last night, so there's that at least. Sleeping so much is not fun, but with how fractured my sleep can be, getting those multiple hours when I can is necessary. I've gone from taking my antipsychotic on occasion to pretty much every night now for the last week or so. It's been nice because I can actually get to sleep at a decent time, especially since the recent change in season has historically been a more manic time for me. That late spring/early summer time inevitably leads to moves being made, usually. Speaking of moves, I'll be flying out to LA for a friend's wedding tomorrow. It's a very nontraditional wedding; instead of there being a large guest list and separate venues, it'll be about nineteen of us sharing a large house for the weekend. My pal and his fiancée have been adamant in keeping the event as low-key as possible, and with how my energy can spike and dip, a low-key event sounds nice despite my disdain for traveling.
That interview I did with Pearl Davis went up yesterday, and I am disgusted with my performance. I know I'm fat, but man, I look fat in the video. I was pretty nervous to do the interview and somewhat regret doing it; as you can so obviously tell, I'm not very good with public speaking. When trying to be thoughtful with my answers, I hedge on filler words like crazy. All those "likes" and "ums" and saying "right?" after every sentence made me look like an idiot. That sort of quick thinking necessary to hold my own intellectually in a conversation is tough, and it was quite evident how much I lost my train of thought and talked in circles. I guess that's why I prefer writing. I don't have to be so on the fly with it, and I can revise and actually fully think through something without having to hedge on stupid filler words just to maintain my place in the conversation. Overall it was a decent conversation, but please remind me to never do something like that again so I don't annoy the shit out of you with my subpar speaking skills.
On Tuesday, I saw Shaq at the gym. That was cool, I guess. I didn't want to go up to him and ask for a picture because that's stupid and I don't really need something like that anyway. I didn't really have anything interesting to say to him either, so I just kept walking on the treadmill and people-watched instead. In the span of the twenty minutes he was there, about ten people went up to him and got pictures and chatted with him. It made me realize just how much it actually kind of sucks being famous. If you go out in any public space, you can't really get anything done and have to deal with people coming up to you trying to farm your aura. Gross. I understand now on a more functional level why celebrities have large houses out in the middle of nowhere and fly private jets everywhere. The second you go out in public, it just gets disgusting. People say that celebrities are so bad for doing stuff like that, but it's actually us plebeians who are the bad ones. Maybe if we weren't so desperate and annoying, celebrities and other rich people wouldn't want to hoard all their money and resources.
I'm reminded of a quote from the Didache: "You shall not exalt yourself, nor give over-confidence to your soul. Your soul shall not be joined with lofty ones, but with just and lowly ones shall it have its intercourse." The last thing anyone needs to do is surround themselves with eminent people; it's a tougher life than we give it credit for, and with all the eminence comes many difficult decisions and sacrifices. More than that, it's bad for the soul; it makes you the ultimate food for demons, and what makes it worse is that you can often see it in the eyes of your fellow man. No, humility is where it's at—whether it be in those times we have alone or in a private space with others. Sure, the panopticon is alive and well, but the best way the surveillance state works is through illusion and deceit. Once we break past that deceit and realize that salvation is found not through degrading performance, but by the virtue of grace, all that desire for something greater will evaporate.
Overall, I'm just tired, man. Even when things feel like they're going right, I just can't help but feel a certain degree of exhaustion. What's stranger is that even though I don't have a whole lot of responsibility, I still feel like I can't really handle what I do have. It makes me nervous for what's ahead. Will I get more responsibility? Will things get worse somehow? Will I be left to live on the street with no one to support me one day? Will I be able to pull myself up by those proverbial bootstraps—that is, if I ever get them. Right now I feel barefoot, and maybe instead of digging inside, I can focus on letting God carry me through all of this. My own understanding is so limited, and there's absolutely no way I can do this alone—whatever this is, anyway.
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