Beach Balls
2026-06-08
Hey, you're a fellow CBT enjoyer, right? We're all pretty well-adjusted here, aren't we? Well, it's funny to think about the sort of feedback loop it suggests: our thoughts turn into feelings which turn into behaviors, in turn reinforcing or changing our thoughts; this goes ad infinitum until you die. CBT is about making sure our thoughts are conducive to behaviors that keep us healthy. Thoughts are a funny thing; they're these fleeting little impulses that dictate such a large portion of our lives, yet when out and about in the world doing things or engaging in conversation, they become a strange background process that keeps us turning. But for me, I struggle with turning them into a background process. I remember one of my high school English teachers, the GOAT Jay Garrett (I usually don't name people here but he deserves it because he is such a profoundly amazing man) blowing my sixteen-year-old mind when he taught us about metacognition, or as he referred to it, Thinking Squared.
I think we've all had that one person we've met who gets a bit too metacognitive (sorry) and constantly has to make some kind of diagnosis for every situation and context. Some might think that metacognition is the only true form of conversation, the only way to "really say what's going on," or whatever. Being so metacognitive can be exhausting and at times boring. I struggle with maintaining a healthy level of cognition while at the same time wanting to harness The Dao and live through a purposefully purposeless life. It's a large motivator for this practice, but it's a good way to manage my thoughts. In therapy, I learned about the Beach Ball Method: basically, take the thought that's troubling you and visualize it as a beach ball. You are standing in a river, holding the beach ball underneath the water. All you have to do is let the beach ball go and let it run down the stream, watching it drift along down the river.
We are all in our little river surrounded by beach balls. It's so easy to hoard them; sometimes we might make a little contraption to hold many beach balls down, maybe even build a little structure with them. We become so proud of that beach ball house, but soon enough we realize that we're larping as beavers and have accidentally built a dam—out of beach balls. Beach balls. "But I don't want to let go of my beach ball dam, Noahie. It's so cool!" Well, it's also stopping the flow of the river, and now you have caused a small-scale ecological disaster, so good going.
Purposeful purposelessness, friends.
Anyway, my back has been sore since this morning. On the flight back home last night, I sat next to a fellow big man. I was in the middle seat. I had to be leaned forward most of the flight so that my shoulders wouldn't be so scrunched up, and now my lower back hurts like a motherfucker. Thankfully I've been popping Advil and treating my back with weed cream most of the day, so it's getting better. Still, I have been trying to recover a bit from all the traveling and wedding festivities. I hate traveling, man; it's just a bunch of Hurry Up So You Can Wait bullshit. To me, a perfect vacation is being at home alone with nothing to do and nowhere to go. Though honestly, too much of that gets to me too. With how life has been these past few years, I've been needing the opposite of a vacation desperately. I've just been so afraid of losing myself in a pursuit, you know? More than that, I've been afraid of being inconsistent, not upholding myself to my standards. I don't want to be trapped, either.
It's been a pursuit and a half prioritizing the things that actually matter these last several years. I try to not be so selfish, so tired. I've been getting better, but I see what could be ahead and become afraid of all the suffering I know will come; but not the specifics, just the general suffering. I've been blessed to know that it's all a part of a greater effort, but the worry I have about not being ready for it is a healthy one. Hypervigilance isn't a good thing, but some vigilance and discernment goes a long way. I can't claim to know what'll happen next, and I don't want to. I hope I can float down the lazy river of life without too many more splashes. I pray I don't self-sabotage as much, and maybe if I'm lucky, help other people get rid of their beach balls somehow.
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