Tired
2026-05-11
Man, I really hate it when I keep making assumptions.
That old saying really does end up coming true. I find that I get in my own head about every little thing most times, and the result ends up not even in a miscommunication, but really just a wave of inner turmoil that I have to distract myself from somehow. Little details add up to complex inner narratives, and those narratives end up being removed from anything that's factual or relevant. I'd say I have a strong theory of mind, but I've found that I try to look too far ahead or deeply into my observations of others; whether it be their body language, the way they write and send messages, or the tone and cadence of their voice—these things can become, at least in my mind, evidence of a perceived pattern of thought in someone else. But unfortunately, my perspective gets warped because I account for too many variables at once, and oftentimes find myself drawing unnecessary or downright false conclusions about someone's thoughts. I used to think I was good at "reading people" or whatever, but I accept now that I will never have enough context to fully make an intuitive decision when having to make certain interactions with someone.
But it's hard for me to simply just "let go" of my thoughts. I can't really distract myself or dissuade myself from these thoughts because, particularly in complex social dynamics like work, church, parties, kickbacks, what have you—because those kinds of situations demand a certain amount of social participation and rigor. I don't know, I guess I'm just tired of masking. Masking itself is a fine and necessary thing, but for me it involves making split decisions by constantly taking in and analyzing real-time social data, and that's really taxing after a while. I hate it when I set aside some time to relax, then as I'm doing the relaxing activity, I can't relax—so I come out of it not feeling very relaxed afterward. Not to mention, I feel like I need a lot more time to relax than I used to. Either that, or my circumstances are just different now, and the adaptation to them has been difficult. Knowing myself, it's probably both. Life just has this way of taking a lot out of me, but perseverance somehow keeps knocking down my door.
I'm tired, boss.
But hey, I'm doing okay, all things considered. I've been losing even more weight, feeling better, acting better—it just feels like my brain has more room to breathe, I guess. There's still that fear in the back of my mind that it's all going to come crashing down again, and more than likely it will; but I know that I can rebuild again. It doesn't matter if life ends up becoming this constant cycle of breaking and rebuilding. I'm not one to stress out when shit really and truly hits the fan anymore. At this point, if the shit's gonna fly anyway, I might as well just try to work around it rather than expect it not to happen anymore. Trouble has a strange way of coming, but it can go just as fast as it shows up. Even outside of that, I understand my priorities better than I used to, and those will continue to act as important anchors. Even when those little stresses add up, I'll just have my meltdown, take a nap, and call it a day. That's fine with me; I'll still be standing when it's all said and done.
Ebbs and flows, comes and goes—it's all just another flash in the pan.
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