Tough Guy
2026-04-11
Never underestimate time alone.
It's a weird thing when I'm alone. Sometimes I think I might actually have autism because when I am actually alone, I can really let the wiggles out and all other kinds of silly little behaviors. I was skeptical of the idea of "masking" for a long time, but I think it makes sense for someone who is intelligent enough to take criticism for self-soothing behaviors in public and act to correct them. I know that I understand social cues and the like, so I try not to consider autism, even though I've done that in the past. However, one thing I've always guaranteed for myself is some kind of condition related to sensory sensitivity. In that sense, there are certain sounds or things that happen to me and they build up irritation over time, and they can turn into a big meltdown. I spent several hours alone last night. I was sitting in my car in a parking lot, crying and listening to music for about four hours. I had a feeling that I needed to let a lot of stuff out, and I did. There's a sort of electric plumbing that goes through my nervous system during these outpourings of emotion; it's as if I can feel all the bad vibrations flying away from my body when it happens. I get very tingly all over, and it feels as if every part of my body—down to the microfiber—is vibrating just a little bit. I had gotten to a point yesterday evening where enough was enough. I had to get out of the house for a while, and that's what I did.
I know that when I'm alone, I usually like to rock around in my seat or constantly make some kind of rhythmic adjusting behavior. In a sense, that rhythm has always been a self-soothing thing. I think it's why I've always liked listening to music so much too; having some kind of pulse to follow helps calm me down. For someone who looks like me—a large, imposing man with a "tough look," according to some people—it can be surprising to many that my nature is quite gentle. Those who have known me for a while aren't surprised by this. Well, even people who have had one conversation with me aren't surprised by it. I'm sure that when I go around in public, people might have certain assumptions. I can sense it sometimes, like when people give me more space than they normally would if we're waiting in a line or sitting on a bus or something; there's a certain "I shouldn't mess with this guy" vibe I can sense. That can be convenient at times, but it's still a funny thing to navigate. I never feel like I have to "play" a tough guy or anything; my candor dispels that quickly.
While I've been in better spirits, I have been tired most of this morning. I've been still praying fervently, but I also started a fast yesterday. It's an absolute fast; only water and coffee, but I also decided to allow myself to chew gum too. I want to maintain this fast until Pascha, but honestly, I might keep going afterward. My body has felt better since starting the fast yesterday, and of course with conditions like diabetes and the like, a fast is quite literally the perfect way to reduce blood sugar. I've discussed my problems with certain spiritual maladies before, and how my bishop told us in a homily that prayer and fasting is the best way to deal with them. I wish I would have decided to keep a fast earlier—you know, during the time of year you're actually supposed to fast for a while—but I'll accept the position I'm in currently.
I also understand that endeavors like these are supposed to be done under the strict supervision of a spiritual father, but when I technically don't have one yet, that's a tough thing to pull off. My efforts in prayer have been in service of finding a way through this situation I've found myself in, and I just have this feeling that an absolute fast will get me closer to a feeling of actual peace and spiritual contentment. All of these visions, dreams, and hallucinations have to stop, and I've felt continuously failed by systems before. Every time I try to go to the system, be obedient, and do what they say, I am met with failure. I'm so sick and tired of waiting for permission to do anything. If I'm being spiritually greedy or unwise, then that's what will have to happen so I can figure this out. At this point, it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission.
I'm still taking my supplements and all that, so I'll have all my necessary nutrients during this time. Like I said, I've felt a lot better since starting this fast yesterday, and right now while I feel hungry, there's a certain other feeling of replenishment I'm experiencing. Getting through all these vices and all these issues in my life has been such a tough thing. It's taken years of suffering and failing, of trying and facing setback after setback—but this time things really do feel different. One question I have for myself is this: when it's all said and done, what comes next? Say I do finally get all of these demons out of me. Well, what am I supposed to do after that?
I have expressed countless times the value in this practice, that I wouldn't trade it for anything. Of course, I will keep writing. But when I have all this extra time and energy given back to me, how am I going to spend it? I've had to drag myself to church, but maybe I'll actually get more involved, whatever that may look like. Before I get too ambitious, I think it's important I curtail any sense of expectation. I've been hurt too many times before, and I'm not going to let it happen again. I'm not going to expect anything good to come out of anything; there's no sense in doing that anymore. I've had to push through this for so long, and I'm going to push through it regardless of what happens. Each day isn't entitled to me; it's given as a privilege.
I don't expect to be given much else, and I'll be better for it that way.
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