Temperament and Spirit
2026-04-15
I broke my fast last night.
There were about ten leftover chicken tenders from dinner a few nights ago, and I ate all of them. Thankfully I didn't eat anything else after that, but I don't feel too bad about breaking the fast. Honestly, I'm just impressed that I went as far as I did. I'm hoping that I can take the wisdom that I can say no to food whenever I want and that I can pride myself on moderate eating instead of starvation or over-indulging. Don't worry guys, no eating disorder here! This morning I had my usual breakfast, a protein shake. I get those pre-made ones that come in a twelve-pack, but I need to get a non-dairy pack soon so that I can drink those on fasting days (Wednesdays and Fridays). If anything, this fast taught me that moving forward, I can absolutely fast two days a week so that I can receive the Eucharist once that time comes, Lord willing.
Throughout that whole fast, I really was down in the dumps. I was extremely irritable and felt so deflated, like things weren't going to get better. I don't understand why I go through those waves. It's reminiscent of depression, but I was still mostly able to go about my day. Clinging onto my routines really does help in times like those. It might not make life feel better, but it really does help. It sucks that I have to remind myself how temporary emotions are, but it really is true. These feelings are always so fleeting and momentary. I understand why people want to try and capture them. That's the essence of what I do here, anyway.
But I've had to learn the hard way the difference between repressing emotions and processing them. Giving myself permission to feel a certain way is important, and I think it's crucial to structure my life in such a way that I can give myself space to feel certain things. A problem I have, though, is that I require a lot more space because I have a much more powerful emotional valence. A lot of people can't handle it at times, which isn't something I blame them for. However, I have to remain accountable to myself and those around me to control my emotions however I can so I don't damage my relationships. A big part of that involves processing my thoughts through writing or other outlets like exercise.
On days where things are really bad, it's tough to let even all those outlets help me. I can write as much as I want, do my exercise, or try my best to relax, but there are just some stretches of time where the only thing I can do is let it hurt. In those moments, all I can do is cry out to God and tell Him how fucking pissed I am at Him for making me go through it. To feel so dejected by Him is a tough thing, but even though His love is beyond my understanding, I can find comfort in knowing that it's there and He's perfectly fine with me being pissed at Him. Being pissed at God is better than rejecting Him altogether.
I've been rather pleased with the performance of my site, though. It's more than likely bot traffic, but my viewership has increased from around 500–700 daily views to about 800–1,000. So for those who are new here, hello and welcome. Refining that inner voice has been an interesting process. I remember saying yesterday I wanted to take more pauses while writing these entries instead of going through full-blown sprints. That's been easier said than done, especially considering how easy it is for me to keep sprinting regardless. I've been so used to being so nonrestrictive with my flow of words, so it's been an interesting exercise to put gaps in between things.
I do think this project has been helpful in giving me the muscles to finish. A lot of writers have an awesome idea for a book and they want to pour everything into it. Many of them will write a single book or a series of books, but a lot of them have trouble with letting them go. I've known writers who will spend years working on a series of books just for them to never get published—either because the writer doesn't want to stop editing or they can't find a publisher and don't want to self-publish. But as a writer or creative person in general, learning how to finish something is extremely important. If you can't let it go and release it into the world, it's never going to get in front of people and impact them the way it impacted you while making it.
I remember hearing about Brandon Sanderson's struggles in getting published. The man wrote twelve full novels before getting picked up by anyone. I don't particularly care for Sanderson's work myself, but it's impressive seeing how hard he works at writing, even up to today. He's easily one of the most prolific mainstream writers of our time, and even if I don't jive with his stuff, I still try to take notes from his experiences in writing. More than anything, it shows that even if you're not particularly talented, hard work and passion will pay off to some extent. Of course, it'll pay off in different ways for different people; the most important thing is in understanding what that payoff means to the individual.
Most writers will not be very commercially successful, but that's not important. Any real writer will tell you the only thing they really want is for people to read their stuff. That's it. Money is a secondary thing, and while many real writers do everything they can to get paid, it's not the end-all-be-all. Even if nobody read my blog or stories or books or whatever, I would still write them. But more than that, I'd make every effort to get them in front of people. Many people bemoan the lack of prestige in the literary world today, but I find it awesome. Instead of having to go through elitist institutions to get my work in front of people, I can just put it on the internet for way less than what it would cost a traditional publisher. More than that, I don't have to charge for it or attach monetary value to it at all. It can go out there and it'll be read and appreciated by the right people. That's such an amazing gift we have in this day and age, and people instead fucking complain about it! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND KEEP WRITING, ASSHOLES!!!
If those big literary giants of the last century were young and kicking today, they'd love the gift we've given ourselves. I remember Hunter S. Thompson said in an interview that if there were some amazing million-dollar typewriter on the market, he'd buy it in an instant. Could you imagine how beefy his battlestation would've been in today's day and age? When I compare myself to those guys, I try not to think of it in terms of reception or commercial viability, but in temperament and spirit. I think they'd see a guy like me still kicking around and be proud of what I'm doing, especially considering the fucked up way most other people are playing the game.
Writing in this way is a tiring thing, but it's something I've found so much solace in.
Stay loved, friends.
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