Nourishment
2026-04-06
Palm Sunday was good yesterday, thanks for asking.
Getting through the Divine Liturgies has been easier. My feet still hurt, but not as much. I'm usually quite drained afterward, and instead of chatting around at the coffee hour, I just go to a gas station and hang out on my own. Having all the people around is a bit of a draining thing. It's strange how much more introverted I've become over the years. My spells of extroversion come and go, and it's not that I have any social anxiety. Instead, it's just regular anxiety. Being around people doesn't make me anxious, but it's just draining. Ain't no time like me time, know what I mean?
It's been on my reading list for almost two months at this point, but I'm finally plowing through Everyday Saints and it's been great. I said I've been trying to abstain from cigarettes and pornography, so reading this book has been an immense aid in that endeavor. More than reading through this work, I've also been trying to increase my prayer. I'm currently working on memorizing the Nicene Creed, and I'm about halfway done with that. I've been trying to get as many rotations around the prayer rope in as I can; there was some burnout with it over the last month or so, but the fervor is still there. When I pray, I feel something working within me. It's as if I can feel the spiritual forces in conflict within me, and I just hope that I can maintain my strength and vigilance in prayer.
It shocks me how easy it is to forget how central God is in one's life. There are endless, boundless distractions and departures from what really matters. I've been glad that my position in life has allowed me to go through the arduous process of sustained prayer. Without it, there really wouldn't be much point in anything. As disillusioned as I've been, I truly am glad to have this in my life. There's an immense power in consistently showing up to prayer, but more than that, there's power in the orientation one has around it. Sometimes prayer can feel like a slog, that you're just plowing through it so that you can fulfill a sort of spiritual obligation. That can be okay at certain times; not every day should we expect ourselves to feel a pulsing zeal.
However, there's an extra amount of power one can give to their prayer, and it's dependent on the emotion put behind it. The foundation of that emotion comes from one's perspective on prayer at that given time. If one is feeling sort of bland, the prayer itself can be bland. It's been said that the strongest prayers are ones that come from a place of desperation, and I believe that's true. Think of the emotion behind a desperate time; all that anxiety and angst can become channeled into feeling God's presence, and I think God takes all of that into account when one prays. This isn't to say that every time we pray, we should do it with a great sense of emotion. Instead, I think it's just important to take whatever we have and give it all to Him, whatever that may be on a given day.
I think through this because I can find it difficult to engage in a particular prayer rule or routine, or I can get burnt out from praying too much. I don't want to view prayer in the same way one would view working out or improving at some kind of skill. Prayer isn't supposed to feel like a grind. There shouldn't be any sense of "hustle" when one prays. Instead, one should pray the same way they eat or drink. We pray not to improve at prayer, but to feel the nourishment from it. If there's a certain day where I can say the Jesus Prayer a few thousand times, say multiple Psalms, and be glued to my prayer corner, then God bless that day. But if there's a day where I can barely muster the courage to say a single prayer, my hope is that God blesses that day just as much as the former.
Many don't believe that the words they say—and the feeling behind those words—have a great effect on the world, especially when they are by themselves. They might think words only facilitate communication, that anything beyond that is superfluous or made up. But I'd say that there's a great effect one's speech has. When we speak, our vocal cords vibrate and that vibration projects out of our mouths and into the world around us. At its most fundamental essence, the universe is built on the waves that vibrate throughout space. Those waves can interact and produce new waves, new ways of being. So when we speak, even by ourselves, we are literally changing the universe.
This week is Holy Week in the Orthodox church. Every day is supposed to have a long service leading up to Pascha. Most celebrated Easter yesterday, but Orthodox Christians celebrate it this upcoming Sunday. This will be my first Pascha I am celebrating, and I was surprised to hear that the service is at midnight, and that festivities will last all throughout the day. I'm not sure how long I'll be able to attend that service, or any other service for that matter. I have a tough time getting through a standard Divine Liturgy that lasts an hour and a half, let alone an all-night service. I'll try to get through what I can, but I also know that God has every way of meeting me where I'm at. I won't feel bad for not attending that much or not being able to get through the whole thing, but I also want to do my best to show up for what I can.
For Christians, Pascha is supposed to be a joyous time of year. However, I have a tough time finding joy at any time of the year. Life is usually overwhelming, and my brain can only handle a small amount of stimulation these days. Calm moments can be sparse, and tranquility is something that while I try to spend a bunch of time cultivating, only comes in short batches. Despite the world feeling so vivid sometimes, I fear that this vividness will eat me alive one day. I fear that I've seen too much, and that I've been given a brief amount of time to live—I couldn't handle much longer otherwise. It's as if there's this little virus in me that's spreading slowly throughout my brain and my body. One day I'll wake up, and it'll have me fully and completely possessed.
Until then, I'll just have to keep going, however I can.
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