Never Kill Yourself
2026-04-28
Never ever kill yourself, friend.
What, you think I'm just going to rehash some stupid Xitter meme from like two years ago? Shut up, man.
I've been thinking about the way the world is going. Who even thinks about that these days, am I right? But listen, with everything from MAID to furthering advancements in healthcare and an ever-growing dissatisfaction with the social contract we find ourselves bound to, I worry for the days when I'm an older man and suicide is the leading cause of death. I worry that non-suicide deaths will be rarities, events reported on the news to prove that "no, it's fine, people still kick it the old-fashioned way!" Even when we look at fertility rates falling below replacement rates almost globally, it's tough to say that the world's population won't go down in my lifetime. But honestly, I'm less concerned about population decline itself and am more concerned with how it'll happen.
People are growing not just dissatisfied with the social contract, but dissatisfied with everyone in general. It's easy to have feelings of resentment for some billionaire or corrupt politician you don't know, but these days it's even easier to have resentments toward your family, friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. We don't want to talk about how hard it is to maintain healthy relationships with those closest to us, and something I've seen so many people my age do is escape to Discord servers and wherever else people link up online—and try to find the intimacy of community with people they may never see in real life. I get why this is happening. Not only are e-relationships more low-maintenance and have less stakes by design, but they're also formed in niches that in real life are almost impossible to recreate. It's not just furries or LGBT folks either; people with obscure hobbies or outlandish political ideologies can find community online, and don't even get me started on those with weird fetishes.
Man, even in places where real-life interaction was the norm—like work—are now chronically online these days. I overheard someone at a bar chatting with their friend about their white-collar office job. They were saying how they have to travel to Vegas twice a month to go to stupid meetings all day and how she can't be friends with any of her coworkers because outside of those trips, she never fucking sees them. People talk about loneliness epidemics and wonder "gee, boss, how did that happen?" But you know what's even worse about trying to find community, friendship, and camaraderie online?
The block button.
Yeah, when someone has a minor disagreement with you over one small thing, even if you've been talking with them for years, they will all of a sudden just cut all contact with you and there's no way to contact them back without some kind of predatory doxxing or account-spamming measures. Having hard conversations? That doesn't happen on the internet, bro. People don't come to the internet for those kinds of things. If it's not looking up information or finding escapist entertainment, there's not really any reason for people to be on their computers all day. But now we're using it as a meager attempt to outsource intimacy with ephemeral low-stakes relationships and, uh, AI chatbots? Listen, if y'all don't want the good stuff that comes with community, you have to accept the bad stuff: people are going to upset you, hard conversations must happen, and the rubber has to actually meet the road for you to get anywhere. I know I try to keep my perspective first-person and personal, so I don't want to feel as if I'm sermonizing to you folks here. Just know that it's all mostly projection anyway; the things I try to tell (You) are what I am trying to tell myself. But anyway, I don't want to get too caught up in cultural criticism here because who needs more of that anyway? Oh, there's another five dozen books that just hit the NYT Bestseller List about how we all need to "slow down" and how "the world is fucked up, but we can make it better :)?" I don't care! I seriously just don't care. I'm too wired up and paranoid to care, seriously.
I feel as if I have absolutely no one to talk about the paranoia with. I saw an article from MetaFilter about how Timothy Leary was a CIA asset and I think it made me blow a metaphysical gasket. I don't even know how to pray about this. I don't think I can in this specific context. Don't believe, don't fear, and don't beg—that's the wisdom from the Soviets who faced years in the gulags, and it seems to be the only beacon I can think of in this harsh war of information I find myself taking part in. Our ability to tell stories—it's what makes us who we are, but within that is demonic influence and idolatry. These effervescent and vaporous metaphysical truths can only be shared through symbols, and that's why they matter so much, but when I'm so constantly inundated by them, I feel the weight it carries in my soul. There seems to be no real way to seek rest from these things. It's a constant thing, this noise. How can I expect myself to stay strong in these times?
Only by the grace of God, I suppose.
These challenges at their most fundamental level are nothing new, albeit they now live in mostly different frequencies. I know God understands what I'm going through and that He has me taken care of, but I'm still having such a hard time believing that for myself. Why should I be so intent on reassurance? Maybe if I just try to relax somehow, it'll pass. I guess that's why I'm writing, but even in this writing, the anxiety still looms in this constant way I can't really figure out how to get rid of. That's why I unsubscribed from MetaFilter's RSS feed, and I'm sure I'll feel better over the course of the rest of this week, but it just seems that right now in this very moment, I'm worried about——everyone. I don't know, I just see my friends going about in the world, and I'm baffled at how they seem to manage. I know they have their own struggles, and while I sit here trying to assuage my own, I worry about things that I'm not sure they also worry about. It's not my place to worry, I know. Hell, they spend most of their time when they think about me doing a fair share of worrying; that's what living the kind of life I lead does to those closest to me. I wish I could assuage everyone's worries, but I can't.
I wish I could grab a big fat megaphone and tell the whole world what it is we're up against here. If the leading cause of death will become suicide, don't you realize how many people could be going to Hell? This life and all these problems in it don't matter, but the life of the age to come has every last bit of importance. Yet in all the independent blogs I read or books about cultural criticism or video essays from somewhat like-minded people, there's not a word about the spiritual implications of all these shifts we're seeing. Can't you people see what's at stake here, for real? It feels like we really are losing the spiritual battle, and all I can do is sit here on my computer and scream at you about it because it's the only way I can get you to listen. That is, if you even read this far. If you did, just promise me one thing, okay?
Never kill yourself.
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