Heaven-Bound
2026-04-22
Lots of driving today. Fuck driving, man, seriously.
I had another medical appointment today for my SSDI benefits application. It's been about two and a half years now, still trucking. It reminded me a lot of the last one, except this one's barren office at least had really comfy chairs. The whole ordeal was a total joke. I sat there in an empty waiting room for about thirty minutes until the doctor came into the waiting room, gave me a few pieces of paper, and told me to go to some other place to get blood work done. Not to mention, the place was over an hour away from my house. Fuck driving, man, seriously. Having my mornings disturbed and not being able to get these out when I'm freshest is such a pain, but I've been doing well enough lately that a small change in the day doesn't catastrophically ruin me. I was half-joking there, but I'm sure you get what I mean. Anyway, I had this killer line I thought of and I have to get it on the page before it evaporates from my head forever:
Good thieves can steal a lot, but a great one steals a little bit at a time.
That's pretty sick and writerly, isn't it? So now I guess I have to do that thing where I find some way to give it meaning, figure out that stuff I usually put before dropping a sick banger closing tag, but honestly I'm a little bit at a loss for where to start. Have you noticed my register has changed a bit? That's how you know I'm in better spirits. Man, I love feeling normal and not horribly and utterly sick in my head. That fast I did was better for me than any day in rehab I ever had, I'll tell you that much. I've been inspired to finally start fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays like the good Orthobro I'm aspiring to be, and today has been a solid effort in that domain. I'm here at the 'Bucks right now and had one of their marshmallow treat things, and that's all I've had to eat today. I've got trivia with the boys in a little while, and I might have a beer or two at the bar, but we'll see. No more solid food though.
About an hour ago, I was really feeling the hunger pains. I think I've come to understand with hunger that it's a good thing, especially for a reprobate fatass such as myself. Gluttony is, uh, gross, okay? Don't worry, I'm not going to go on a diatribe about how the Fat Acceptance movement is a major delulu-fest, but I think instead I'll just tell you about my own experience with being a gross fat person. I remember that quote from Trump a few months ago, the one where he said "I'm not maybe heaven-bound" and something about admitting his fatness in the same week. We've all got those times where we feel fat as shit and like we're going to Hell, and if you haven't, please do not send me any emails, please and thank you. But yeah, there's a lot of shame in being fat, and it makes sense. When your clothes are too tight and you can barely get up a flight of stairs without puking, you gotta just take stock and admit you've got a problem.
But God gives his toughest soldiers his silliest battles, and for me that battle is fighting six different vices all at the same time like I'm Hercules fighting that fucking hydra. It's like a game of spiritual Whack-a-Mole, and it's been a crazy thing to work through. Oh, I can't believe I forgot to mention: I had another nightmare last night. When the demons keep coming at me in my dreams, I cannot begin to tell you how much that shit sucks. How can I have cortisol spikes while I'm asleep? How does that make any biological sense? I dunno, man, but I will say that I did something I didn't think I'd even be able to do in my sleep, but I did.
When the demon was maiming me, I kept saying the Jesus Prayer over and over again unlike anything you've ever seen.
But I'm going to tell you something a bit scary: it didn't stop maiming me. I was laying there getting brutally assaulted by this thing, and God decided to let it keep happening. Man, I'm fat as shit and going to Hell. Nah but seriously, it was a true test of faith in that moment. Any lesser disciple would've blamed God for doing nothing and fucked off to some Gnostic bullshit, but not me. You see, the toughest guy isn't the one who hits the hardest, but the one who takes the hardest hits. The life of a Christian isn't some peaceful hokey pokey pile of secular horse dung you'd find at MEGA CHURCH INCORPORATED DOT COM. No, we all have that cross to bear. If Christ can let those guys from Jersey nail Him to a cross despite having the power to literally zap them out of existence, then I can take a few stupid nightmares.
And wouldn't you know it, today I received a message from my priest saying that I'll be receiving my catechumen prayers this Sunday. GLORY TO GOD! Listen, I'm not a guy who tries to find signs where they aren't. Omens lead to idolatry, kids, so take that as you will. But yeah, I'm feeling good today. Some who know me well might be concerned that I'm getting a bit manic, and that's a valid concern. Please pray for me if you can. I'll just share my wisdom on mania to assuage your worries. The number one indicator for these mood shifts is sleep. Thankfully, I've been sleeping okay. Last night, I went to bed pretty late and had to wake up somewhat early for that appointment, so I'll do what I can to get to bed early tonight and maybe sleep in a bit tomorrow. As long as I'm sleeping okay, I'm doing okay.
But still, pray for me anyway.
Bitcoin address: bc1qtgqvj6qjxnaxkns20x5rcwnxvv3jqzhduvvxfc