Hallucinations
2026-04-24
I slept all day yesterday, went to bed at 9 PM, and have gone through most of the day still tired. What can I say? I'm a sleepy guy.
Anyway, things are feeling a bit dull today. I don't have a whole lot on my mind, but I know that'll change about another hundred words into this thing. But yeah, my life has amounted to not a whole lot, but I'm not saying that in some kind of "woe is me, I'm so unaccomplished" kind of way. I just think of any singular individual and even those who are accomplished or have otherwise been known to do a lot, and they haven't really done all that much. I guess in that way, I'm thinking that there's not so much any one person can do, but that's more of a liberating thing, I would say. More than liberating, it really is a testament to how important it is to rely on those around us for support. A singular, solitary effort can do a lot, but will always pale in comparison to the efforts of an organized and concentrated mass.
Western society heralds individualism as a cornerstone of its ethos, but I think the East has a better view on it, all things considered. It really kind of sucks having so many of us think just about ourselves most of the time. More than that, it's a solitary thing, just thinking about yourself. There's something meaningful in putting yourself into a bigger picture. I remember in my early twenties, I was quite sympathetic to anarchism à la Max Stirner, and that was mostly because I didn't have an understanding yet of how important it is to love your neighbor. Of course, mutual aid is a good thing, but I was naive in the sense that I had this misconception that it was done solely out of personal interest. Egoism as this sort of default thing doesn't really make a whole lot of sense; it's not quite a solipsistic thing either, but it more implies that the only thing you should allow to truly influence your actions is your own thinking.
Listen, I like thinking and thinking for myself, but that's just a little too much, you know?
However, Stirner's idea of possession and the evolution of that—the Spook—is one that I think is important to at least see from a more detached point of view. All these signs and signals surrounding us do have an influential power over us, but knowing that an individual has the power to accept or reject them is perhaps the most important conclusion to make. Even outside of my schizo-adjacent mental illness, it's important for anyone to have enough control over their environment to keep certain signals from transmitting to you. At that lab where I had to get my blood work done the other day, there was this TV in the waiting room that kept serving shitty ads and just generally being annoying. I have paranoia about screens as it is, and seeing TVs in the wild sucks. That's one thing I really dislike about the gym. Seeing all those TVs while I'm on the treadmill hurts my head. It's a pain to constantly keep looking away. While I was in that waiting room, I decided to put in my earplugs, close my eyes, and work the prayer rope to assuage my anxiety.
Seriously, I don't know how so many people are just so chill about sitting in front of some screen with shit they don't want to watch blaring in front of them all day. Then again, most people seem a bit dull regarding the strength at which they perceive signals. Well, I don't know, maybe I'm just a sensitive little cry baby about it. Ugh, listen man, I just have a lot of problems with thinking that TVs are always talking to me, okay? I don't want my computer or my phone to transmit those signals either, but they're especially bad with TVs. I keep thinking I'm some 1984 character and it sucks. I know it's not true, but you just don't understand that certain commercials come on at just the right time and certain people say certain things that are almost uncanny in how well-timed they are to my given situation and you just don't understand because they do that to target me and know that so whenever I try to tell a situation to people it makes me come off as insane for that specific reason and I don't know why they do it but they just do and I can't stop it unless I close my eyes and shut my ears. (For legal reasons, that last run-on sentence was a joke.)
Managing delusions is one of the toughest battles because it will always be a solitary effort. Sure, I can get input from people I trust or a therapist or something, but the active decision I have to make to not believe them is something that can only be done by me. Having things to ground me is important. I always have my prayer rope and my icon corner. I always have the opportunity to sit alone and let the angels comfort me. There's a constant visitation of them that I know is always happening. Can I tell you how I see them, though? They look like different versions of the Pokémon Celebi. I know I told y'all about that dream I had about a guardian angel. I don't know why, but I keep having dreams about these silly little anime-looking characters and it's so odd. I mean, I like anime, but not like that, you know?
I hate having dreams and hallucinations, man. I think to myself "oh yeah, I can be normal and get that job and move out of my parents' house" but then I start seeing flying Pokémon everywhere and have to retract that. Oh well, being crazy is fine, I guess. Yeah, a life subsisting on government cheese sounds lovely. Being an upstanding member of society? Going on vacations? Thinking regular things? Nah, that's for pussies, dawg. I know where I am supposed to be in this world; there's no doubt in my mind that God makes me think all these thoughts and see all these things because He knew that the only thing I can do in this world is tell you about it. Those beams of light you see floating around me? Don't worry about those, okay?
It's just another one of my hallucinations.
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