2026-03-17
Yesterday I got sick again and slept all day. Thankfully, I woke up this morning feeling a bit better, but I still don't feel the best. When I have these periods of sickness and I sleep for most of the day, I typically experience several strong lucid dreams. I don't really like experiencing these because, due to my sleep apnea, I typically find myself aware of when I'm suffocating in my sleep. I can feel how strained my breathing is, and it makes me panic a bit. I've become so used to the fractured sleep that it's just a baseline I've come to accept. But during these lucid dreams, it makes that quality of sleep apparent in such a way that feels unsettling.
A few days ago, I looked into how Orthodox Christians believe in guardian angels. They believe that everyone has one and that we should pray to them so they can help us in our lives. As a lucid dreamer, I've faced several encounters with what I believe to be spirits in my dreams. On Sunday afternoon, I took a long afternoon nap. Typically, when I take an afternoon nap, I have the strongest lucid dreams. When I take these naps, I often recognize that I'm dreaming right away, and so in many cases I have the chance to essentially conjure up a dream environment.
I remember my eyes were closed during the nap, and I knew that I was dreaming. I looked up and I asked my guardian angel to reveal themselves to me. Suddenly, I found myself flying and descending onto a planet that looked to be on fire. As I was flying through the sky of this planet, I saw below me an androgynous cartoon child with blue hair and a light green gown flying below me. We locked eyes for a moment, and then it ascended past me. While it was flying past me, it turned into the Pokémon Bulbasaur, gave me a wink, and flew off. I was expecting something you'd find in a Renaissance painting, but instead I found cartoons. Lovely.
The whole experience was remarkable, albeit somewhat disappointing. It left me with more questions than answers, that's for sure. The main question I have is this: was that really it? In many of my dreams, I am visited by spiritual beings, and most of those beings are not kind or come with good intentions. I know that I am predisposed to a certain degree of spiritual delusion from these dreams, but these kinds of encounters aren't something I can simply just explain away rationally. I was where I was. I saw what I saw. I do believe that spiritual beings can manifest many different physical forms, particularly ones that they feel would be most effective in communicating with humans. So then why a cartoon child and a Pokémon? My immediate instinct is to say that I'm full of shit and that it was all some kind of weird fabrication, but even then, why that one?
A lot of people these days are annoyingly confined to earthly things. Many people discuss how important it is to have a family or keep money stacked in the bank for when you fall on hard times. But for me, with the things I've seen, I couldn't care less about any of that stuff. I feel almost too far gone, in a sense. It's as if I've seen things that won't let me go back to "normal" lines of thinking because of all the supernatural implications of everything floating around us. In a practical sense, it can sometimes manifest as paranoia, which is an unhealthy thing. But on a day-to-day and even moment-to-moment basis, it feels more like a constant sort of derealization that I can't fully explain or describe.
Despite that, it's still something that I have to live with, by myself, day in and day out, regardless of who understands. There's a certain degree of loneliness there at times, but I know that loneliness is the last thing I should be feeling. These spirits who have revealed themselves to me—they float around the air like water. We're constantly enmeshed in a sea of them at all times, and even though I'm one of few who can notice them, it doesn't mean they're not there. I know that even if I can't fundamentally prove their existence to others, I can still find some level of solace in their company.
Through writing today's entry, I feel like I might be coming off as a bit crazy. When talking about stuff like this, though, there's not really any good way to sound sane. However, I've found that through encountering these phenomena, the main thing I can do is foster a greater sense of faith in Christ, who reigns above all of these lesser spirits who reveal themselves to me. Regardless of their intentions, I know that I can always call to Him for protection, and He will provide. In that sense, I feel that I have become uniquely qualified as a witness to a life that examines this world we can't see.
Any other worldly ambition palls in comparison to it.
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