Crashing Light
2026-04-07
I got in a fucking car crash yesterday.
I'm doing okay. I'm not severely injured, but my right toes are a bit messed up and I'm somewhat bruised. Other than that, I'm alright. My car got totaled. I was on my way to the gym and my whole day got fucking ruined. I was driving about 40 MPH on a main road. There was a woman stopped at a stop sign on a street on the right-hand side; she was trying to turn left against traffic. She thought it would be a genius idea to stop in the middle of the road right in front of me, and the second I saw her, it was already too late. I slammed my foot on the brake and braced for the impact. I t-boned her. It was a pretty gnarly crash, and it held up traffic for a good twenty minutes.
I left the car dazed, and I decided to go over to the woman to check on her. I tried maintaining my composure so that there wouldn't be any tension between us. I went up to her and asked her if she was okay, and then I saw that she had her infant son in the back seat. Thankfully the impact was on the back driver's side and no one was there; the baby was in the back passenger side. She had ignored me because she was too busy tending to her son, which was understandable. I called my dad to let him know what happened. He asked me whose fault it was, and over the phone I said it was hers. She heard that and immediately decided to start arguing with me while I was still on the phone. Instead of holding herself accountable, she tried insisting that it was my fault because I t-boned her. It was clear that she was just in denial, so I decided to ignore her while the paramedics checked on us and the police filled out their paperwork.
Weirdly, the police didn't ask me for a statement, but just kept talking to the woman the whole time. I think they were going to be more sympathetic because she had her son with her, and I wasn't horribly injured and remained calm, so I don't blame them for not giving me much time. They still haven't released the report yet, but they better indicate the woman was at fault. It was a pretty cut-and-dried deal, and I hope she didn't bullshit the cops and somehow convince them I was at fault. The whole experience was just so bad; the way it was handled by everyone else irritated me.
The paramedics kept trying to convince me to take an ambulance ride to the emergency room because my heart rate was "too elevated," and it's like, no dumbass—I just got in a fucking car accident less than fifteen minutes ago and I'm not going to pay a ten thousand dollar ER bill just for the doctor to tell me to calm down and fuck off. Once our cars were towed off the road and the paramedics left, the cop gave me a card with the report number on it. I tried asking him for a ride home but since I lived in the next city over, he "couldn't do it." Yeah, protect and serve my ass. Thankfully I was able to get a ride home from family, but I'm still reeling at how much it fucked up my day. I was already not having the best day, and I was hoping some time at the gym would improve my mood, but instead I got in a fucking car wreck. Truly lovely stuff.
What's funny too is that I was on day 3 of quitting cigarettes again cold turkey, and guess what? I didn't relapse!
The idea of optimism sounds cheap right now. I could think about what worse things could've happened but didn't. I could be grateful that no one got hurt or that everything went smoothly. I want to be mad, but I'm not even mad; there's nothing in me. I'm done. Things aren't going to get better. They're going to stay just like this, where every day is a new cross to bear. I hope for nothing in this life; hope would be an immense waste of time. Every day on this earth is a crucible for that Day of Judgment, and I am going to do everything I can to have a strong case. So even though life is a horrible illusory sham, I will do what I can to get through it because that's what the Lord my God wants me to do. He knows that in spite of all of this shit, I can handle it. Even if I don't believe it myself, He'll carry that weight for me. It doesn't matter how silent He is; His vibrations still echo throughout everything.
With all of the shit that keeps happening in my life, it's really taught me to let go of any expectations. I was thinking a bit about how one could perceive these events and circumstances as "unlucky," but as I kept thinking about it, I started to realize that the idea of fortune in general is a sham. The way I see it, there's the things that happen to you, and then there's your reaction to them; that's all there really is. Fortune is just a matter of perspective. Being lucky or unlucky is quite literally a choice. If you claim yourself to be lucky, then you'll see all the good things in your life more clearly. It's simple confirmation bias, really.
What's interesting in my thought process, however, is that I don't want to make the claim that I'm lucky. I don't want to make that claim because I want God to show me the world for what it actually is, and not make any kind of excuses about it. I know that goodness only comes from the Lord, and it would be a disservice to Him to claim that I am a benefactor of some kind of great fortune. I really don't see it that way. There's all kinds of trappings and deceit happening all around me, and beyond any kind of fortunate or unfortunate set of circumstances, the real treasure I wish to possess is wisdom; that is, I want the ability to discern the world around me in a way that pleases God.
So when I think of silver linings for this whole situation, the one I find most satisfactory is that I have the ability to handle even drastic situations with a general sense of patience and kindness. God has made me uniquely qualified to go through a set of trials I know will come in the future, and every day moving forward is an act of preparation for those events. In my lifetime, I expect the world to get a lot uglier and much harder to live in. More than ever, we'll need Christ's light to guide us through those times. My intention is to work toward cultivating that light for others so that we may work through whatever circumstances arise.
In the same way I can choose to be lucky, I can choose to be a light.
Bitcoin address: bc1qtgqvj6qjxnaxkns20x5rcwnxvv3jqzhduvvxfc