The Switch
2026-03-09
Over the last day or two, I've been dealing with an onset of fatigue. A few reasons for this: I ran out of my Mounjaro prescription, and despite seeing my provider to get a refill, it's been several days and they haven't put in the order. I keep checking with my pharmacy, and it's been rather annoying that it's taken this long. I don't know what the issue is, because I also received a few new prescriptions and those orders got filled. I've tried calling my doctor's office a few times, and they don't answer the phone. So with that, I've just been rather hungry and sleepy. On top of that, I started taking one of my new prescriptions and I've been dealing with side effects from that. It's buspirone, an anxiety medication, and it's one that I've been on before but stopped taking because I couldn't deal with the administrative bloat of my pharmacy and doctor.
Since I started taking Mounjaro, I've had to get back on the incompetence carousel. I truly cannot stand how ineffective the healthcare system here is. It's expensive, and it seems that I can't get past the bureaucracy to get access to medications that I need. My A1C was 11 when I last did my blood work, and so the Mounjaro is beyond necessary for me to take. The medication itself has been extremely effective; I've lost over ten pounds over the month I was taking it, and the symptoms of my diabetes were drastically reduced almost overnight. Yet in spite of this, I can't get past the bureaucracy of the system that produces it. I don't want to be too pushy with people, and so I've mostly held my tongue whenever I interact with them. I try to be cooperative and do the right things, but that doesn't seem to really matter.
Because I've been so fatigued, I wasn't able to get any writing done yesterday. What I've noticed as I've continued pursuing this practice is how necessary it has become for me to maintain and regulate my thinking. I'm the kind of person who has a constant and pressing dialogue going on in my head at all times, and it never stops. Writing in this way helps me process my thoughts so that they don't mutate into actions or lines of thinking that could potentially be harmful. Here, I have to slow down and figure out how I want to articulate what's on my mind so that whatever is in my head can resolve itself and I can move on to the next thing. It's essentially become cognitive hygiene, and so when I don't write, I feel a bit cognitively gross, so to speak.
I've been thinking about how I calibrate myself every day. I truly don't understand why I am so predisposed to things like substance abuse and other addictive behaviors. Over the last month or so, I have completely relapsed back into smoking, and am essentially back where I started before I quit. About two months ago, I tried quitting masturbation and consuming pornography. I got about two weeks in until I relapsed and fell back into the same habit. Meanwhile, things like my prayer rule and church attendance have been mediocre. Every day seems like a fight to not make the wrong choice, and I lose every single time. I am by nature an archetypal overthinker. I try to figure my way into a better life by reasoning myself into it, but I am at a point where that just simply doesn't work.
At this point, I am stumped as to any answers to these problems, and the lack of resolution eats at me constantly. It makes me want to spiral even further, and that no matter what I do to build sustainable habits that keep me from making even more wrong choices, I still inevitably fall back into that chasm. I won't deny progress that I've made, albeit small. I still get up most mornings and have a decent routine; I've made progress in the gym; I've maintained this writing practice; I socialize regularly and go to church. Still, it feels as if there's something missing. I think that it'll always feel this way to a certain extent, because even if I were to get everything I wanted, that would just make me figure out more things to want. Ultimately, I have to be okay with where I'm at and try to focus on the things that I already have.
I think what I crave more than anything is to understand. I want to understand what's going on, to understand how everything works, to feel secure in my decisions. Unfortunately, no one can have a complete understanding, but I seem to have a difficult time accepting that. My mind doesn't stop going. Even when I sleep, I still find myself awake in my dreams. The never-ending deluge of thought constantly overwhelms me, and there is nothing I can do to stop it, I don't think. There are plenty of times where I'm happy to be alive and experiencing sensations or thoughts, but there are seemingly just as many times where it's all too much and I can't find the switch to stop it.
Maybe there isn't one.
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