Comfort
2026-03-11
I have this fear of a growing complacency among more peaceful days in my life. Things have been going well, and for some reason that makes me suspicious. I might be inadvertently preparing for something bad to happen, but honestly, I think I might be setting up some kind of self-sabotage in my head. In another piece I have since deleted, I espoused the idea that people don't actually want to be happy; they want to be comfortable. Truthfully, everyone has the ability to always get what they want. It's one of humanity's most persistent features. However, we seem to have this misconception that we aim for happiness as our primary objective in life. But really, everything we do aims for receiving and perpetuating comfort.
This might seem odd to some people because they might think to themselves, "well, I don't always get what I want." To that I would ask them: do you really know what you want? What I suspect is there might be some things they want and don't get, but there are other wants taking precedence. I know that I've faced this before; in my life, I always thought my ambitions were most important to me. However, I've come to realize that all I cared about was being safe and having fun. My ambitions were never set to fulfill my expectations, but those of others. I felt that if I had this or that credential or job, I would receive the social capital and security to do what I really wanted, which was to be safe and have fun.
Ultimately, I understand now I was always pursuing that initial desire, even if I thought I was doing things out of ambition. I did well in school, performed well at work, and tried to be genuine to others. I did those things not to secure some kind of ambitious future, but to feel a sense of safety and entertainment in the present. I studied in school not to do well on the tests, but because I enjoyed the process of studying and learning. Work wasn't something I did to make money primarily, but to feel needed and respected in places where I felt like I wasn't getting it. When I was in college trying to figure my way around more ambitious career paths, I ended up having to confront my ambitions in ways that I previously never had. I couldn't get into prestigious degree programs or student organizations, and for a long time I blamed myself for that.
But then I realized I couldn't get into those programs not out of a lack of skill or merit, but because I didn't have my ambitions as my primary focus in life. That's when I ultimately realized I never went to college out of my own desire to do so, but because I thought it was expected of me. I fell for the myth that the only path to a fulfilling life was through some kind of higher education and access to certain job markets. As I went through school, I realized I didn't want anything to do with it. Honestly, I felt like Holden Caulfield most of the time at school; all my classmates and professors were collectively participating in this elaborate and petty lie. Unlike Holden, I didn't feel like I was the only one who saw through it. The people at my university were smart enough to see through it too, but it genuinely upset me that they kept pushing forward anyway. My denial grew to really eat at me and made me feel sick to even be there.
I just wanted to be in a place that felt real, like people were doing something that actually mattered. That's when I became a bike messenger and a bartender. I wanted to feel like I mattered and that the people around me weren't being fake all the time. I dove headfirst into work and dropped out of college, and for the first time in years, I felt like things actually mattered. Looking back on it now, I might've found something else if I stuck with school. I could've found a certain level of fulfillment in a job that required a college education, but I was too disillusioned to even proceed forward. Knowing what I know now, I don't think I would've made an effort to finish school; I never would've gone.
The only thing I wish I would've known back then were all the lies surrounding it.
I feel fine where I am now. I've always believed everything happens for a reason and that the universe is unfolding just as it should. I have no regrets about what I've done in life, and am optimistic for the future. I know now I can prioritize a life where I feel safe and try to not take things so seriously. I can look up at the birds in the air and see that they don't sow or reap and know that the Lord provides for them in the same way He does for me. I know that no matter what happens, I have something greater to look forward to in this life and the next.
And that gives me comfort.
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