Remedies
2026-02-07
I feel like shit today.
I've been having too much caffeine—going through four cups of coffee a day at this point. It's not good. Generally, I just feel off for a variety of reasons. There's been a bit of a collapse in my routines. Over the last several months, I've become more confident and resolute in my routines. I had to build them from the ground up, one habit at a time. I kept a spreadsheet of little tasks I needed to do each day, and it helped. These days, I have good routines. However, there's an urge to spin out and stop doing them.
Ultimately, I struggle with balancing rigidity and flexibility. There's that overachieving perfectionist in my head telling me things have to go a certain way and if they don't, that's a personal and moral failing. I understand this absolutist thinking is unhealthy, but it's difficult to reconcile with its certain perceived benefits: I am good at being consistent with something once I build a coherent system around it. Case in point—this blog. I also have hardened discipline, which can put me ahead when it matters.
However, this rigidity eats at me after a while because I end up facing the inevitability of variance. Some small variable can change internal or external circumstances. When stacked up, it can cause internal strife. It seems when the system fails, I fail. I know that's not fully resonant, but it hurts dealing with the anguish I feel when something small can ruin my whole day.
Holy shit, do I have autism?
Neuroscientists speculate about some kind of link between bipolar disorder and autism. I have anecdotal evidence of this with my sister, who has autism. But honestly, I have the "Do I have autism?" identity crisis about every six months or so. There are definitely some elements there, I think, but the main thing that dissuades me from convincing myself into an autism self-diagnosis is that I maintain good social relationships. Since I was young, I've typically been able to intuit social cues and can understand what makes people tick.
Still, there's a lot of things I relate to when it comes to symptoms of autism. I have many sensory issues: I keep earplugs on my keychain so I don't get overwhelmed by loud environments. I am photosensitive and have had two seizures due to intense flashing lights. Even these days, I get dizzy when I'm around them, so no raves for me. I generally do not like physical contact. I'm also generally jumpy and uncoordinated. If I'm not autistic, I'm definitely a nerd.
Whether or not I want to identify as autistic doesn't matter. It's not something you are, but something you have. A diagnosis is just a roadmap. It doesn't have to be a life sentence or something to base your entire personality around. What matters more is finding out how to live life in a way that's sustainable and works for you. We're all unique, and remedies are hardly ever one-size-fits-all.
I still feel like shit today. I'm tired despite being on my third cup of coffee. Sitting here at my computer during these sessions can feel like some kind of fugue state sometimes. If anything, there can be more confusion than clarity. While that's frustrating, I also understand that it's normal and not unique to me.
Writing is still a remedy that works for me.
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