Diagnoses
2026-02-18
Life has been good, but there’s still so much looming in the background.
I’ve been starting to feel a lull in my ability to write these entries. If anything, I think it’s just doubt creeping in. My thought on writing has still been the same: there’s always something I have to say. What helps most is cultivating the routines around the writing habit. If there’s any sense of writer’s block, it comes from being afraid to say what you want to say. I don’t want to be afraid of that. Instead, I want to keep channeling that deeper source where I know all of this comes from and let it dictate the course of these entries.
I’ve still been smoking again. I’m on my fourth pack now, and it’s only been about two weeks since I relapsed. My pornography addiction is still rampant. Acedia—listless apathy—is a persistent problem. I’ve found that routines are fundamentally important to my peace of mind and my sanity, but, like I’ve mentioned recently, the variance is hard to deal with. I had to attend an appointment for a medical exam to assess my disability for my SSDI application. Just having that one appointment threw off the day completely. I couldn’t find the groove I wanted to be in to write. I still went to the gym, at least.
The appointment yesterday was a joke. I had to drive twenty-five minutes from my house to this run-down strip mall in the boonies. The doctor’s office looked dilapidated, as if the doctor had just moved into that building. The whole thing was shady. There were no credentials posted anywhere, and it was just a small waiting room, a nurse’s office, and a patient exam room. Everyone I was waiting with was there for the same reason. My appointment was at two o’clock, and I didn’t leave the doctor’s office until five o’clock. I wasn’t seen until four-thirty, and the exam itself took about thirty minutes. Most of that exam was the doctor shuffling through and reading the paperwork and making dictations into a recorder. For most of it, I sat in silence.
With it being a completely government-sponsored affair, I knew it was going to be a bit of a dumpster fire. Especially with Social Security, the whole thing moves like molasses due to administrative bloat and incompetence. I did my best to remain patient, and really it wasn’t so bad. I’m just glad that it’s done. That exam was to assess my physical disability, but thankfully I am not physically disabled. I’m pretty out of shape, but that’s the worst of my problems. I’m a bit worried about how that’ll impact my case, but I was honest, and that’s the best I can do. Bipolar disorder is one of the leading causes of disability in the U.S., so I know that my case is solid.
It was funny: when the doctor was dictating his assessments from the paperwork he was reading for the first time in front of me, he stated that I was diagnosed with ADHD. I don’t remember receiving a diagnosis, but I think it probably came from my primary care doctor when I took a questionnaire. I’ve been on the fence about whether I have ADHD, but it was strange getting that confirmation for the first time. I didn’t get clocked for a diagnosis when I was a child because I got good grades in school and was obedient and personable with my teachers. However, I think I’ve developed coping mechanisms for it since I was a child.
I’ve always tried training my “focus muscles,” as it were. The main thing that helps me is having something to do with my hands while I’m listening to lectures. Also, while teachers were lecturing, I’d grab a textbook from the shelf and start doing the homework while they were teaching. A big thing that helps, too, is listening to something while working on stuff. I’ll stack different tracks together, too—like rain sounds, binaural beats, and any kind of ambient radio. Lofi, vaporwave, classical, IDM—they’re my lock-in fuel. I can accept an ADHD diagnosis, but I’ve developed the wisdom to know that the best way to manage it is through developing proper therapeutic mechanisms.
Although, with the knowledge of this diagnosis, I might get an Adderall prescription. I don’t know.
I still have many moments of anxiety throughout the day, but, like many things, it comes and goes. In spite of my maladies, I’ve been doing well. God has been kind to me the last several months. More than anything, this practice of writing most days and getting it published on my website has been my absolute saving grace. I know that no matter what happens, I can come here and write about it honestly and not have to worry about how it’ll be perceived.
I do hope it helps you, though.
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