2025-08-24
Over the last 24 to 36 hours or so, I've had a major uptick in mood. I remember I had a healing sort of dream where I got my feelings out to some characters from my dreams and weirdly enough, I woke up the next morning feeling better. It was as if I could feel the chemical reactions permeating through my brain. I feel like I've been more in tune with that recently, but I also know that it's been something I've been channeling for a number of years. It's gotten a bit easier to manage, but I still don't understand the exact nature of the biological shifts I can feel happening. I think my supplement regimen that I started about 4 or 5 months ago has so far been much more successful than any psychiatric medications I've taken, which really says a lot. There's a part of me that feels it could be a placebo because the taking all of the pills is a cornerstone task of my morning routine and is symbolic of my self-care in general, so the improvement could come from that mechanism alone. My guess is that it's a contributing factor to my overall improvement, but not the full scope. I think that there is a substantial difference between the supplements and the prescribed medications. With my psychiatric medications, side effects were rampant and their efficacy was dubious at best. Sometimes I had certain combinations that worked well, but that relief was short-lived due mostly to environmental factors outside of the biochemical aspects of the drugs themselves.
For instance, I was at a long-term residential psychiatric treatment facility for a period of six months. I was actively taking about 5 different drugs. If I remember correctly, I was taking an antipsychotic, a mood stabilizer, an anxiolytic, and two antidepressants. This was the typical stack of medications I was prescribed by different providers. The facility itself was an impactful experience because I was receiving regular and frequent psychiatric consultations, it was my first time going to therapy, all of my meals were cooked for me, and the sole focus of the experience was on learning different techniques for psychological regulation and understanding how to best implement them. Many of the things I learned while in treatment still help me today. Unfortunately though, this extremely stable environment is much different than regular every-day independent living and certain triggers and obstacles have been essentially unavoidable. As a result, my mood episodes became worse and I struggled to maintain many of the techniques I learned during treatment.
Additionally, the flaws of the American healthcare system became more apparent as I continued life after treatment. The company that ran the long-term facility was best-in-class regarding treatment, but subsequent providers were not as helpful in navigating my evolving needs. I had situations where insurance wouldn't cover certain medications and I'd often have delays in getting them because if I didn't have coverage, the medications would cost thousands of dollars. One provider I had decided to switch one of my medications because my insurance company decided to stop covering it. So because of the unreliability and all of the red tape, I decided that conventional pharmaceutical treatment wasn't a long-term option.
So with that, I decided to pursue over-the-counter supplements since those had less red tape surrounding them and they were about the same price as my pharmaceuticals. Currently, I take lion's mane, ashwagandha, bacopa monnieri, fish oils, and a multivitamin. I was used to taking a bunch of different pharmaceuticals simultaneously, so to me this stack feels pretty tame. Like I mentioned earlier, I have been seeing a noticeable improvement with overall mood and motivation and things of that nature. I still have episodes of mostly depression, but I've figured out how to make them less frequent and less intense over time. Anxiety is also a chronic thing to manage and I have to do a lot of different exercises during the day to manage it.
Overall, I think I'm doing okay. Things might not be super grand or optimal or whatever, but I feel that my suffering has given me a more holistic worldview. I also feel more humbled and grateful for the little things. At this moment, I am not experiencing a lot of pain and I will do my best to hold onto this for as long as I can. There's so much that I can't control or understand, but I know that God will guide me through it and put it all into perspective eventually. Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.