Fatigue and the World We Don't See
2025-09-18
The fatigue has been creeping up at me all week. I really need to figure out a program with getting CPAP compliant, but sleep has always been such a struggle for me as it is. Ever since I was young, I've always hated going to sleep. I hate trying to fall asleep and I hate dreaming. For whatever reason, I'm pretty sure I've had way more nightmares than the average person. I'm also generally a rather vivid dreamer; I can remember many dreams from years and years ago and I usually can keep a decent catalog of dreams in my head. I can also lucid dream pretty easily and have gotten to the point in my life now where I can typically get at least a few lucid dreams a month. But anyways, strong dreams and general problems with falling asleep have dissuaded me from CPAP compliance. I've tried dozens of times at this point to get compliant, but always end up taking the mask off at some point in the night due to frustration. As I'm writing today's entry, I am almost writhing from the fatigue. It's one of those kinds of fatigue where I can't fall asleep because my brain feels too wired, but my body is too catatonic from exhaustion to do a whole lot. It sucks.
I've recently taken to going to a Starbucks most days of the week so I can get out of the house and not go stir crazy. I don't want to really do any socializing or anything too intensive because of fatigue and general introversion, so coming to a coffee shop to do stuff on my pooter works out fine for me. I'm really feeling the exhaustion as I'm typing right now, but I told myself I was going to do a sprint so I'm not going to back down from it even though I just want my brain to turn itself off.
I don't really have anything super insightful or whatever on my mind right now and haven't really had too much on my mind since my last entry. Lots of people are still talking about AI or whatever, but that discourse has gotten too stale for me at this point. Those LessWrong rationalists have made it kind of boring and stupid to talk about at this point. Still, I find myself somewhat envious of people like Eliezer Yudkowsky or Gwern. They got to find themselves at the earliest point in the adoption curve and now get to be successful consultants and freelance writers and never worry about money again thanks to their Bitcoin investments. Blegh. Sucks for me being a stupid kid when all that stuff was getting figured out. I kind of feel like Tony Soprano in a way, where he reflects on the glory days of the Italian Mafia—I also came in at the end. Shit sucks, man.
But I don't know. I know it's going to be tough to find my way through all this shit. It's been tough already. I wish I could figure out what to do about shit, but I can't. Most of the time, I have no idea what I'm doing or what to do or anything like that. My thoughts never feel like my own, but not in some MK Ultra brainwashing kind of way. I know that they're coming from somewhere else, but I can't pin on exactly where.
A lot of my friends and family don't really seem to have any kind of spiritual beliefs at all. Most people have been infected with that post-Enlightenment nonsense way of thinking. But here's the way I see it: there's the world we see, and the world we don't see. The world we see is self-explanatory. The world we don't see, however, has been around much longer than the one we do see. There's been happenings there that control much of what goes on in the world that we do see, but since it's the world we don't see, there's a harder time putting it to words or boxing it into any kind of ideology or logos or whatever. But in this world we don't see, that's where all the big stuff happens. Like I said, it's harder to put it into words, but it's there. I just hope that one day, we can figure out more about what that world is like.