Failing Again and Again
2025-10-04
So far, this morning has been relatively normal. I have done my morning routine, had some caffeine, and overall don't feel horrible. But one thing that's been messing with me: nicotine cravings. It has been almost three months since my last cigarette and cravings are not as bad as they used to be, but for some reason today they are particularly strong. The urges to go to the convenience store and buy a pack of cigarettes are getting even worse as I'm writing this entry. I've done everything to stop cravings; chew toys, hard candies, and silly putty only go so far, I guess. Well, I don't really know what else to do about it, but if I keep talking about it, the cravings will only get stronger.
There isn't really much else on my mind, though. The mundanity of my life is something I feel good about. No news is good news, so it goes. I don't really know what I'm going to do with my day. It makes me feel bad that I don't really have plans most days. It seems as if most days are comprised of figuring things out on the fly. I hate that. I don't technically have much of a game plan for anything. All I have are my habits, which is fine I guess. I'm not sure what else I'd be doing. The main thing holding me back is fear. I'm always afraid that I won't be able to stick with something, so I just don't even try anymore. I don't really have a lot of gumption, stick-to-it-ness, or whatever you want to call it. If I'm not good at something immediately, I don't stick to it.
I feel that given my upbringing and the era I grew up in, it's harder for me to keep up with things. For me, there's been so much latent failure in my life. Every time I want to show up and get good at something, failure of some kind happens and makes me stop doing it altogether.
When I was in high school, playing the saxophone was my life. I practiced all the time and dedicated most of my extra time towards improving that craft. All I wanted to do was get those hours of practice vindicated by making the all-state jazz band. We had to audition against dozens of other students in the state and only the top four saxophone players made it for my instrument (tenor saxophone). I auditioned every year of high school, and the closest I got was ninth place. After senior year's all-state audition, I realized that I wasn't going to get any other chances at making the band, and I didn't really play saxophone much after that. We had auditions in the fall and for the rest of my senior year, I just coasted.
A hard lesson I've had to learn: no matter how much you work towards something, there is still a chance you will fail. People always espouse the value of hard work, talent, and luck, but even if you have all of those things, you can still fail. People will also say that in every failure there's a lesson. That's wrong. Most failures don't carry any lesson. They just hurt and that's it. There's not really anything else involved in that. All failure does is build callouses for pain. Unfortunately, life is full of pain, failure, and whatever else.
Thankfully though, it's also full of the overcoming of it.