2025-08-10 00:00 UTC
I've been having a greater desire to escape my head lately. I've done better at cutting out addictions and other escapist tendencies in my life as of late because I know that it's not good for me, but the urge to go back to those things feels strong today. I want writing to be my escape and for the most part it is, but I haven't isolated it as my core escape. Right now I still constantly inundate myself with media I don't wish to consume, but I've been getting better with that. I also still struggle with lustful tendencies and sexual immorality and the like, but that's a whole can of worms in and of itself. Intimacy is generally something that I'm not good at across the board. Whether it be with sexual or romantic partners or friends and family, I generally don't like being intimate with people. I struggle with being touched in basically any capacity. This has created a lot of struggles with romantic and sexual partners in the past because I don't like to cuddle and sex is difficult for me because of the anxiety surrounding physical contact. With friends and family, I hate being hugged or patted on the back or anything like that. Suffice to say, my aversion to physical contact with people often forces me to turn my base desires inward. Masturbation not only acts as a self-soothing mechanism, but it also helps me feel more in control of my sexuality. But unfortunately, it's become a form of escapism in itself. I unfortunately find it very difficult to abstain from it for more than a week, usually. Unlike other addictions, it's much easier to relapse because of the constant accessibility (it's not like I can or would want to remove my genitalia from my body) and for me, isolation comes second nature. So with those two factors together, it's been the most difficult escapist habit to quit. But hopefully I can figure something out soon.
There's a lot of shame for me when talking about sexual or romantic affairs because of how inadequate I feel in those matters. Past trauma in those things makes it difficult for me to desire and seek physical intimacy. I always fear that I'll go through that same pain again if I have a new partner. At this point, I haven't had a romantic relationship in about five years and I haven't had sex in about a year and a half, I think. I don't care to seek it out at all and even though I've had people interested in romantic and/or sexual relationships with me in the past five years, I've denied just about all of them out of the fear of getting hurt. I used to want a family with a wife and children and all of that, but I think at this point I am actually incapable of fostering or maintaining any of those relationships. My wife would probably leave me, my kids would hate me, and overall I feel like I would lose so much more than what I could gain. I wouldn't want to put my children through any needless suffering. I don't appreciate having been born myself, so I wouldn't want to place that burden on a child of my own. Now, don't mistaken me for an anti-natalist or anything like that. I think it's important and good for people to have children, but I don't see myself as genetically or socially fit for that task. I do feel bad, though, that many people in my age group share similar sentiments about having children. It seems that about half of the people I know that are my age will most likely not have children. Among that group, about half of them actually want children and for that I feel bad. I think there's been a large amount of factors contributing to that, but I don't care to write about them right now because it would require too much thinking and analysis and also because there are so many troglodyte grifters who make a living through giving such horrible and tepid takes on the matter. If anyone is reading this, make your own conclusions. I honestly don't care.
This has probably been my hardest entry to write because of how sensitive this kind of subject is for me. Not to mention, the fact that I'm actively deciding to put this on the internet scares the shit out of me, but I'm pretty sure there's a group of people out here who understand what I'm going through, so hopefully I can at least make them feel seen somehow.
Also, I looked up the term "blogging" and I was so sad to find just how inundated it is with monetization and LLM-generated crap. Like seriously, people are out here trying to automate the whole blogging process with AI, and that to me is extremely sad. Not to mention, many people see blogging solely as this capitalist regime. These people who want to monetize blogs say that the main types of posts are "informational" and "transactional", which doesn't make sense to me. Sure, people do use the internet largely to find information, but it's become readily apparent that the quality of that information has drastically declined due to this mindset of monetization behind blogging. Instead of people writing about something that interests them for the sake of the interest itself, there's this large movement to monetize it and turn it into gooey slop. Of course, this has been going on for a long time now and so I'm not really being innovative in saying this kind of thing, but I do feel the need to show my disgust in this whole thing because of how much it's poisoned me and people I know and care about. Maybe one day we'll have a better way to use technology, but right now this just ain't it.
That last paragraph didn't really have anything to do with the theme of the rest of the entry, but it was something I was thinking about too and felt the need to discuss it. But it doesn't matter. There's no rules here.