2025-08-03 00:00 UTC
I neglected to attend divine liturgy today and I’m feeling bad about it, but I need to talk through my thought process a bit. So, I woke up late this morning. I usually wake up around 5 AM but today my alarm didn’t go off (or I slept through it) and I woke up at 6:45 AM instead. I went through my morning routine but skipped prayer because I was too tired and I ended up falling back asleep until about 8:45 AM. I usually like to arrive at the cathedral at about 9 AM and it takes a bit over 30 minutes to get there, so I knew I was going to be late and I hadn’t even gotten ready yet, so I felt inclined to just skip. I skipped prayer and I’m skipping all of the Sunday activities today even though I was feeling more invigorated in my faith like two days ago. I don’t want to get down on myself, because I know that demons are constantly trying to sabotage my life via despair, but it’s so hard to resist the temptation of it. It’s so weird to me that despair feels like a temptation. I just hate how clearly I can see the demonic influence on my life and it feels like such an uphill battle to be in ceaseless prayer to get it away from me. I also know that when I pray, the demonic influences have to try harder to affect me, so they do everything they can to keep me from prayer. I’ve felt them all around me for most of my life.
My mom said I cried a lot as a baby and I remember my first dream, which was a gray dragon with red eyes flying in my face. All of the dreams I’ve had and all of the vivid spiritual experiences of struggle I’ve faced in my life due to ignorance and carelessness have shaped me into someone with true and deep fear. I am afraid of sleeping because I know the demons will almost always come and visit me in my dreams. Moreover, I don’t know why they attack me more than most people. I think they do it because they think I have a better ability at perceiving them. At least that’s what I think. Most people I’ve known or encountered in my life haven’t had the same frequency or gravity of experiences like I have. I don’t know how much of it is confirmation bias versus how much of it is true experience. It’s tough to say because a lot of it is invisible, imperceptible and easy to ignore. It’s extremely good at camouflaging itself within the world and making us forget that it’s there. But I remember. Unfortunately, this makes me sound like a schizo to most people if I were to talk to them about this kind of thing. A lot of people would rather deny its presence or refuse to believe in it altogether. I think they’ve been attacked like I have, too, but don’t see the inner workings of those attacks. They’ll prescribe it to other things, explain it in different ways, or deny the attacks altogether. Some will even say that those experiences helped them, but that’s just not how I see it. It makes me feel like a weird schizo person even thinking about it from that perspective. Why does it have to be this way? I don’t want to be washed with uncertainty. Sometimes it feels like I’m telling people that the room is on fire, but they just don’t see the fire at all. They tell me that I’m crazy. They tell me that I’m wrong. They tell me that it’s all in my head and that I just need to get over it. It makes me angry when they say that.
I guess I’m really feeling the weight of the spiritual struggle this morning. I don’t know how I can get back on track. I hate that I keep getting off track. I hate that praying feels like a chore. It should be restorative. I should feel good about doing it. I should want it do it all the time. But unfortunately, my sinful and nature just keeps getting in the way. I feel a certain demonic possession. I shouldn’t want to do things that I know are bad for myself and others, yet I do them anyway. I think Saint Paul might have lamented about this same thing in an epistle, but I’m not sure which one. I know that I’m not the first to feel these things and see them and fight these battles. I also know I won’t be the last one either. I know that there’s been millennia of wisdom passed down to me to help me fight these battles, but I haven’t asked God to give it to me. Scripture has helped and I know that if I read more of the saints’ writing, that would help too. Still though, every day is a crucible of my mind. Having to deal with the constant sensations of everything all time and a brain and body that doesn’t stop is something that tires me to no end. Seeking rest is something that feels impossible. Finding the oasis in the desert that is my life feels like something that will never happen.
I just hope that God answers my prayers and has mercy on me because of how wretched and awful I am. I hope that I can have the faith to believe in the fact that despite my unworthiness of grace that I can still receive salvation. My works show for nothing in regards to that salvation, but hopefully my faith can suffice. It’s funny because I believe it was Saint John Chrysostom who said a prayer that similar. I read it in my prayer book. I guess that’s why the protestants are so persistent with the idea of sola fide. It’s almost impossible for any of my works to be sufficient for salvation and yet we can still have faith to help us along. I guess my hope is that through my faith, I can move the oak tree into the ocean and God will give me the opportunity to do the good works necessary for salvation.
I’ll try to get some prayers in today. I skipped the morning ones but I will try my best to do the Jesus Prayer as much as I can, say enough Hail Mary prayers, pray to the Archangel Michael, and ask God for healing from my infirmities and grant me healing from my demonic possessions. I hope that even though I might be a wretched and horrible sinner that God will help me through my faults and give me an opportunity to do right by Him.