Sentences
2025-12-30
Over the last few days, I've been dealing with remarkable amounts of fatigue. It's something that I deal with frequently, but is frustrating. I wake up some mornings and the only thing I can manage is to fall back asleep. I'll have these vivid dreams during these daytime naps that last for hours. I never enjoyed these dreams because I would rather contend with life here than in worlds I only occasionally get to visit. When I sleep at night, I always toss and turn in bed, wake up multiple times throughout the night, and never feel like I'm actually sleeping. If I do sleep, it's punctuated by nightmares.
Life feels like it's constantly being stolen.
Even when I drink caffeine to keep myself awake, it rarely does the trick anymore. I find myself at the upper limits of acceptable caffeine intake most days and still feel consistently tired. Working out has helped with this tiredness, but now I think my body has adjusted and my default state of fatigue is back. Recently, I've been doing two writing sessions daily. The first is in the morning where I write these entries, and the second is in the evening after dinner and a bath where I work on more extended projects. Yesterday, I didn't even have the energy to do my second writing session and went to bed early. It made me feel bad because I really wanted to keep going, but I knew that I didn't have the steam to do so.
Even now as I'm sipping on my second dose of caffeine, my eyes feel groggy. Sleep is tempting. It's still morning and I've barely been awake for a few hours, yet all I want to do is go back to bed. It's a major impediment to my life. I don't want to do most things because I just know that I'll be too tired for them. When I try to fantasize about having a job, it's harder to do so because of the state I find myself in presently. The fact that I can't handle a more intense and consistent work schedule breaks my heart. It makes me feel like I've been robbed of a fuller experience.
I'm fortunate to have a life that's comfortable and that I don't have to stress about major financial burdens like rent or food, but there's a part of me that feels like I don't deserve it. Instead of staying home and focusing solely on taking care of myself, I should be out in the world working and contributing. It makes me feel immense shame and self-resentment that I can't do more.
The deepest desire and fear we have as humans is that of being seen. The greatest thing we want is to be acknowledged and seen as useful. We want to feel like our actions have an impact on others and if we can't find those feelings, we get lost in despair. I know that's true for me. The worst feeling is to feel like I don't matter. It's one reason why I write here. I want to feel seen. I want to inspire or help others in some kind of tangible way. Even if I might not be able to do it with more conventional means, I can still try to do it here.
These entries are a testament to my will to live.
The last thing I want to feel is that despair creep back into my life. I've wrestled with it for so long, so deeply. At this point, I want to get past the doubt and try to push into the actual substance of my life's work. I can lament about certain opportunities being taken away from me, but instead I have to focus on the ones that I do have, the ones that I am uniquely qualified for. I have this computer that I type with, a platform that I alone control, and a life that gives me the chance to make something special if I maintain my focus.
I recently saw a video of a writer I greatly admire, James Carlos Blake. He was asked the classic question, "how do you know if you have what it takes to be a writer?" He quoted another famous writer, one who I wasn't familiar with. He said that if you enjoy making sentences, you have what it takes. Everything else is easy because they're abilities we're all innately born with. Everyone can tell a story, but only a writer can make the sentences for it.
I look back on my life and realize that I have always had an affinity for language and stories. Most of my thoughts are just words. I've always had an innate ability to spell and recall words. Many times I'll find myself writing something and conjure a word that I am most certain is fake, but then after looking it up I find that it's the exact word I wanted to use for that sentence. I love revising sentences. I enjoy figuring out how to more accurately and eloquently articulate an idea. I love deliberating over diction and the rhythm of a sentence. It's something that just comes to me.
I have to keep going.