Irritable
2026-11-05
My irritability has been more rampant lately, which is a classic symptom of going through the antidepressant gauntlet. Every time I try a new one, I swing up. When I get manic, it turns me into, well, a dick. Normally I can hold my tongue and be patient with people, but some hypomania can easily throw that forbearance out the window. I have to remember that it's not me, but my illness. Unfortunately, it still impacts my relationships and makes others feel bad in an unnecessary and ugly way. The main thing I try to do is be accountable where I can, but the issue with mania is that it makes me create subtext that isn't actually there; it's a horrible effect of racing thoughts and rapid connection-building. Mania can make someone more creative, but more often than not, those outlets tend to force themselves into regular conversation. It's hard for people to handle, especially because I struggle to connect with them when I'm seeing things they can't. Then I have to ask myself if those things are really there, and the fact that I can't trust my own judgment is bothersome and reminds me of just how difficult it is to function in the world.
Yet as I sit here and self-interrogate, I find myself more at odds with exactly how I can hold myself accountable for my blunders. I used to be a big fan of telling people "I'm sorry," but I've learned that only sorry people are sorry. That phrase doesn't help us make amends but instead places a band-aid over something that might need a tourniquet. From my days in substance abuse recovery, I learned that the root of many problems is resentment. Whether in a direct, personal sense or an indirect, broader one, the most astute thing I can say about resentment is that it is always an inside job. Once you let go of the resentment, that release snowballs into the stuff that matters, like direct conversation and action. I think I used to feel a broader sense of resentment more deeply, but the person I've always resented most is myself. It makes me self-sabotage because I tell myself that I don't deserve things. I still believe that about myself, but what I've come to understand is that Christ's mercy far exceeds my own limitations and that every time I do something good or right, it's not of my own volition.
No, that essence is a deeper one that we can't quite understand yet.
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