Speaking Through the Silence
2025-11-18
There's a certain swelling of emotion that I'm feeling right now. It's interesting because it's a moment that I don't allow myself to write in because I'm typically too consumed in my thoughts, but this time around I am actively riding the wave, which excites me.
The thing that made me feel a swell in emotion is listening to music and thinking about the silence of God. I'm listening to American Teenager by Ethel Cain, which has become a very popular song over the last few years. There's a line in particular that strikes me:
Jesus, if you're listening let me handle my liquor
And Jesus, if You're there
Why do I feel alone in this room with You?
There's a lot to unpack there, but it's a universal feeling of lamentation that people with faith experience. I think that a common interpretation of this lyric would be that the singer feels separate from God because they're sinning (getting drunk) and asking Jesus to hold their hand in their complicity with that sin. But honestly, that silence can come even if we're not sinning. Even if someone is a monk in a Benedictine or Orthodox monastery, they contend with that same silence as any other person, regardless of sin.
The unfortunate fact is that whether we sin or not, God still chooses to remain silent to us most of the time. This is because if we take the Biblical canon into consideration, we see that every single person who interfaced with God directly, without exception, ends up denying Him and His existence at some point. For reasons that we do not know, there is something inside of us that makes us reject Him even when confronted with the most direct evidence. So with that, it makes sense why God remains silent.
To me, this strengthens my faith even more. I know that I can't lean on my own understanding of the complexities and contradictions of my senses, so it isn't right to try and figure things out on my own terms. I know that I've been through a lot of pain in my life, particularly as an adult with the onset of my bipolar disorder. The depression is something that has been so difficult to contend with. It has made it difficult for me to maintain consistency, but I feel fortunate that God has shown me the way with my writing.
I've written many entries when depressed, which astounds me. When I get depressed, all I do is sleep and stare at the wall most of the day. But even in the thick of it, I decide to come here on my computer and write about it. To me, that's a form of grace I never thought that I'd receive. Even in the depths of my pain and emptiness, there is still a way for me to keep seeking within it.
I can lament about the world all I want. I can say all the things about how corrupt governments are or how the sun is going to explode or whatever, but none of that means a thing when I am constantly given grace despite my own faults and errors. It's easy to point outward at what's wrong, but it's much harder to point inward. In fact, it's so easy to point outward that people fall under the illusion that what's outward is the majority of life and experience. But the truth is that the game is always played inside of ourselves. Taking that step to peer inside is one that many avoid, but yields the most important results when done with openness and honesty.
I hope to keep looking inward with my writing, but I also want to do what I can to give myself mercy when I do wrong. If Christ can give me grace, then I can do the same for myself too.