Lost in the Ick
2025-11-24
I've been reflecting on my sense of masculinity after having some interesting discussions on it. I recently learned an interesting theory on the psychology behind "the ick," which is basically just something that a man does that makes a woman less attracted to him. These behaviors can be anything from being a "picky eater" to just "being cold." The theory is essentially that the underlying trait that produces an ick is a behavior that makes a woman question a man's masculinity in any way. The main aspect of the behavior that women deem to be masculine is whether or not it is active or passive. If a man is doing something to his environment, that is traditionally perceived as more masculine. If the environment is doing something to a man, that is traditionally more feminine and induces an ick in women.
For my entire life, I have always considered myself a male and never really felt anything that I perceived as feminine. In terms of how I look and act, everything that I project is decisively masculine. Well, at least that's what I have always thought. I was always under this postmodern, liberal impression that women are more receptive of men who have a decent understanding of their "feminine side," as it were. It's good for a man to talk about his feelings, be communicative, etc. But over the course of my life so far, I have found that this is actually an obstruction of the truth.
Men have a standard that they always have to act a certain way. There is this weird disconnect that many younger men contend with regularly: the traditional standards of masculine behavior and their postmodern obfuscations. As it stands today, there are still many ideals that men are socially conditioned to aspire to such as power, competence, joie de vivre, etc. But the problem is that while these ideals have been historically accepted at face value, our postmodern and de-structuralized theorizing of these values has produced a series of mixed signals that many of us struggle to interpret.
Unfortunately, these signals are not something that one can intellectually sift through and come to understand. One thing that I've told other male friends is that when it comes to "being good with women" you either have it or you don't. Some guys—through a combination of their genetics and life experience—seem to have an intuitive understanding of socializing with women and understanding their needs and desires. As such, they can properly capitalize on them and have an easier time achieving their own desires, whether that be casual sexual relationships or long-term romantic ones.
For me, I've never had this intuitive understanding. I would say I'm socially well-adjusted otherwise. I have a much easier time making friends than I do romantic and sexual partners. There's a much more comfortable ground for me in making a friend than courting a woman. When it comes to making friends, the idea is to foster social parity by finding common ground through shared experiences. I've always had an easy time understanding and applying that in order to make friends. When I was a kid, I moved schools frequently, typically every year or two. I was conditioned into learning how to adapt to new social environments quickly.
As I came into sexual maturity, it was difficult to contend with the changes in both male and female peer groups. They both became more hostile, which was something that scared me. I always tried my best to be kind and maintain social parity with others through fostering that common ground, but I always felt that everyone else was playing a different game that I never cared to learn. I never cared to learn it because I saw how much more hostile it made people, and I was afraid of becoming someone who would be too dangerous.
I think ultimately, my struggle with sex and romance comes from an inner fear that I have of myself. I'm comfortable with being a man, but I don't think I'm comfortable with conforming to Western society's ideas of what a man should be. In all honesty, I am afraid of that monster inside me. If I wanted to, I could become sharper, colder. I could parrot what I learned from years of negative experiences with men and women and internalize them to become an apex predator, one that incites desire and exploits it.
At the same time, I'm afraid that if I did, I'd lose myself in the process.
I know that I was born to be something else.