Lacking Focus
2025-11-15
I woke up this morning very sore from all the walking I did yesterday. I ended up walking several miles because I felt motivated to do so, but I feel that there was a certain amount of desperation I was trying to quell yesterday with all of that walking. Granted, I do want to keep making progress with regards to my physical fitness because that is important, but I also feel as if I'm contending with a certain degree of masochism in the endeavor.
I have this notion in my mind that the pain is what will set me free, that I have to put all of this pressure on myself so that I can attain a self-ideal that makes me feel worthy of my own praise and respect. Unfortunately, this desire is vacuous and unrealistic. I have an idea of who I should be and what I should do, but no matter how hard I push myself, that ideal will never be met because I'll always expect more out of myself. I'll always want more and more and more until I collapse and burn out. This is how I've been for such a long time. On top of that, even the smallest setback or failure, often something not within my control at all, will burn me out even further and eventually I give up whatever it is I'm trying to do altogether. It's a toxic thing, really.
More than that, this fragile self-concept constantly shifts, which results in many changes in focus. This change in focus is what hurts me in the end. I often overestimate what I can accomplish in a day and underestimate what I can accomplish in a year or ten. There's a dissonance because of my lack of patience and inability to anticipate the future. I fail to see what I could build in a sustained period of time if I just keep doing little by little each day. No, instead I put in too much at the beginning of an endeavor and let it fizzle out over time because of a lack of self-concept and focus. It's a tiring thing, giving up and restarting. It feels like my greatest form of self-sabotage, something that I pretend isn't there.
I always forget that just a little bit each day is the key to consistent growth and improvement. I become obsessed with the new shiny thing in front of me because it's more rewarding to seek novelty than sustainability. It's one thing to be honest about these things, but it's another to keep that honesty at the forefront of my mind and stick to whatever it is I'm trying to do.
I feel good about the fact that I have contributed to this diary in a consistent way, though. It's something that lets me see how much I can do over time, even if it's just a small and insignificant thing. Writing down one's thoughts in this way doesn't give a whole lot to people, I don't think. But at the same time, what good is curation if there isn't a stream to fill up my ideological cup anyways? This way that I write, this active form of thought—that's what puts power in my ideas. It lets them come through uncensored, even when I don't feel like there's a lot there.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but ideas are bulletproof.