Dialing Into Sanity
2026-10-06
Though certain aspects of my health have improved with weight loss, I'm still climbing up the hill. My sleep apnea symptoms have eased, my A1C is really good, and even though I still deal with mood swings, I find myself much better off than I was this time last year. Fatigue is still tough to navigate, but I can get through the day okay. At this point, minimizing stupid and impulsive decisions is my priority, but I still find myself at a loss. Dialing into humility is tough, and while I can still be cocksure and a bit abrasive, I try my best to maintain a certain degree of meekness—a lovable buffoon, if you will. But just because I'm lovable doesn't mean I'm free of wrongdoing; a still heart supersedes a tachycardic one. Even when relaxed, I'm too overwhelmed to plan for things. My impulses still control me, and even in the midst of reflection, I am adrift.
"Your will be done," I tell myself as I let my own right hand destroy me. Thankfully, I'm smart enough not to lay the blame on the Lord. No, it's my own fault bad things happen—or sometimes it's no one's fault. Either way, there's no reason to let anger take over, even if I set the dial to autopilot.
I've had an idea for making my own email client and RSS reader, and I'm afraid that if I continue down that path, it will secure me a tech job I so loathe. Some idiot a while back said that tech jobs are like UBI for high-IQ people, and while I think that's a load of shit, I feel that's where I might be heading. Be that as it may, I still have no idea what sits here in the present moment.
Perhaps it's just another string of impulses, those spirits guiding me to an unknown destination. I don't care to know anymore.
I only care to act.
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