The Growing Ball
2025-10-11
Today has been a tiring day. The reason? It was a lack of caffeine all day. I took a long nap and had another one of my strange lucid dreams. I remember being in a neighborhood at night. There was some kind of chasing thing going on. My dream characters seem to have gotten used to the fact that I am a hyper-aware mega lucid dreamer because I remember that while I was chasing them, they seemed to have a fun time getting chased. I remember there was a group of women that I sneaked up on and I wrapped my arms around her from behind to, I guess, kidnap her? I don't really know the exact reason for the chasing, but once my arms were wrapped around her, she began to laugh and said that she was "having so much fun now."
I wasn't feeling a lot of energy throughout today to write something and I almost convinced myself that I wasn't going to write anything today, but the itch kept itching at me all day until eventually I am now caving in and writing my thoughts down. But now that I'm here, I feel somewhat reticent to share exactly what was on my mind today.
For me, there's been a lot of feelings of vitriol lately. I feel an immense blackness in my heart, but it's odd because I haven't been depressed. I see so much of what goes on around me, mostly through screens, of all the things that apparently are happening in the world. All the communication, discourse, opinions, and whatever else strike me like dissonant chords in a horrendous symphony of evil and displeasure. It's all too much to take a lot of the time. I find myself constantly anxious at the happenings of the world, as if the house of cards is going to crash down any second now.
I've gotten over any sort of egotistical attachment to it. This anxiety I feel projects itself onto everything my senses intake, but it feels less like fear and more like an intensely radiating ball of pure unsubstantiated unabashed feeling that bolsters itself further and further out of my body and all I want to do is scream and cry about it. But here I am instead, writing it down for the hopes that someone else out there understands what I'm feeling too and perhaps can find some kind of relief in seeing something in their own head get expressed by someone else outside of it.
Going to the gym has been a good way to get all of this out, but I'm still at a point where my level of fitness doesn't correspond with the sensations in my body. I'd love to just go all out and sprint really hard or punch something repeatedly or life something really heavy, but my body is still in a place where it's feeble and prone to injury. The last thing I'd want to do is injure myself and deprive myself of the luxury of jacking up my heart rate and letting some of this shit go. Unfortunately, though, it seems that this ball of feeling only gets larger and larger by the day and no matter how much I thrash and cry and bite myself and hit myself, it does nothing to stop this constant all-consuming force of being.
It's not a fun life, but it's mine. One day the pressure valve will release itself, somehow anyway.