Incoherent Grumbling
2025-10-22
I feel like a pot of boiling water that has just a bit too much water in it. If I don't turn the heat down a bit, I'll start leaking out the pot and make the fire heating me blow up. But there is no turning down the heat, unless I go out into the wilderness and do absolutely nothing for exactly 62.8 hours. Maybe I should do that. The campsites are probably getting full with reservations now that the weather's starting to get nicer. From what I've heard, they charge an arm and a leg just for a little patch of concrete and a fire pit and no other amenities. Maybe they have bathrooms, I don't know. But even with a campsite, that's not really going out into the wilderness and doing nothing. I don't think that kind of thing exists where I live.
More than anything, I just want to be alone. When I was younger, I used to think that it was important to be surrounded by people. I had a lot of friends I'd see on a regular basis back in the pre-COVID days, but now I don't really see many people at all anymore. I think it's an odd stereotype for people in their twenties—that they're supposed to be wild and free and socializing a lot. For some reason, people think that we're supposed to do this before we "settle down", whatever that means. I don't want to live it up or settle down. All I want is peace and quiet and for shit to stop happening all the time. I don't consume news or social media, so that's not the kind of happening I'm talking about. I just mean life—every second of every day, the constant spinning of the proverbial tape.
It feels like such a divine punishment, being alive. I don't know what pleasures there are to take part in that don't feel guilty. Everything has an exorbitant price, monetarily and spiritually. Every day is a needless excuse for hedonism, yet we all seem too held back by shame to hold ourselves accountable for the evils we commit every day. Why is it that everything seems like it's hedonistic and wrong? We take all of our advancement for granted and think that it's always been this way and will always be this way now until the end of forever. It seems that we are constantly distracting ourselves with modernity so that we can forget that it'll all be taken away one day.
Every day lived is one day closer to death. I just hope mine isn't a painful one. I pray that it'll be the release I'm predicting it will be. I'll have to let my body deteriorate and give up, just as God intended. I hope that I don't become a very old man. The world doesn't need that, and I most certainly don't need that. People seem to do everything they can to prolong their inevitable deaths, but why? Do people really, like, enjoy life that much? Are they that afraid? Of what? I see all of these industries that do everything to convince people that their lives can be prolonged if they just add this one extra thing to their routines or eat this thing or don't drink that thing or whatever. It's all so stupid.
I'm going to run myself to the ground. I want all the mileage I can get.