Getting Pissed at God
2025-10-26
It's Sunday afternoon and as the clouds drift in the sky and the weather cools down for the season, I can't help but still feel like every day is more of the same. My family who was visiting left for the airport a few hours ago, and I'm glad I got to see them despite letting my anxieties get the better of me for the most part. Every day I feel like the little bomb inside of me is ticking closer and closer to zero. I don't really have an outlet for it because every stimulus makes it tick faster and faster. Even when I work out or take care of myself, it still ticks on and on.
The lack of peace in my day-to-day life feels remarkably unfair. What's worse is that externally, things appear very peaceful. I think this is the case for many Americans, especially the ones lucky enough to be considered a part of the upper middle class. But the bits of anxiety that plague me minute by minute feel like little termites in my body that are slowly eating away at my insides until soon enough, there will only be a hollow shell—a semblance of a human being who once occupied it—until that too will eventually wither away.
I don't know exactly why I'm like this. There are aspects of my life that aren't peaceful. They're things that I'd rather not express publicly, but nonetheless still exist in their own way, still antagonizing me and acting as the impetus for a lot of this shit. I worry that this entry will read as if I'm doing some kind of fancy or performative whining, and that's more than likely what's going on here despite my splintered self-perceptions. But even then, I want to try and cultivate some kind of good thing out of these entries—something that resonates with my readers and that will help them through whatever anxieties or fears they have.
A thought I have that's lingered for a while: God tells us that it's okay to be angry at Him and to doubt His perfection and goodness. This doubt and anger isn't in opposition to faith, but instead acts as its seemingly paradoxical cornerstone. Why would God want us to be mad at Him? What good does that do for Him or anyone? God never gives us a straightforward answer, but I do know that it's best to not delude ourselves into thinking that we have the right perspective on it.
It's easy for us to think that we have the ultimate front seat to the ontological essence of the universe. But just because we have eyes doesn't mean that we can see. Experience isn't something that exists solely through the senses. The space in between our senses and the environment—that's where the true essence of being lives. It's something that we'll never be able to experience in its full granularity and detail, at least not in the confines of our skin.
No one on this planet who has ever lived aside from Christ has experienced the eternal. No one truly knows what infinity means, so how can we expect to understand what eternal life is at all? All we can do is sit in this bubble and flail around until something happens. Something will happen, right?
Be pissed at God. Maybe something will happen, maybe it won't.