Alone Yet Together
2025-10-16
I woke up late today after a long night, so getting into the groove of my day has been rather slow. But here I am, writing to my ephemeral audience yet again. I've appreciated the messages I've been getting on my guestbook and I hope that more readers will send me kind messages. It's been a good feeling. I've still been enthralled with live mixing and have been listening to basically everything from the hot DJ guys right now like Yousuke Yukimatsu and Fred Again.
Seriously y'all, my internet radio dreams will come true. I need to get the fuck off my ass and start making it happen, though. I seriously don't do a lot during the day, so it really is just a matter of getting over my horrendous sloth and task inertia. There's also some stylistic decisions I'm unsure of and I still want to put some thought into it, but at the same time I'm anxious to just get it started and put something out there. Build it and they will come or something like that, right?
I sit here writing and still constantly wrestle with the uncertainty surrounding life. Whether it be my own trajectory or the proverbial house of cards we've built, all of it still makes my heart flutter. It's so hard to think about what all of this will culminate to. It's hard to think that there's anything worthwhile about writing my thoughts on the internet. Whether it be for posterity or notoriety or respect or whatever, it still feels strange that I decided to take on this project in lieu of searching for jobs and the like. I've been thankful to be doing well over the last month or so, but I still deal with the fear of not knowing how I'm going to feel when I wake up in the morning—the lack of stability is still horribly prescient for me.
More than a lack of stability, there's an immense lack of focus in my life. Well, the middle part of my twenties has been stamped with that at least. But the thing is that for me, writing is the thing I want to do. For me, it seems that I can't align myself with the world no matter how much I want it or how hard I try, so the instability of being a writer seems like an ironic best choice. Sometimes I think that I have a good shot at it, especially when I feel like the iron's hot and I can pound out some real state-of-the-art prose. Even on days where it doesn't feel like it makes the most sense to have this blog, I still enjoy the fact that I have it.
More than virility or anything that compels people to give me a lot of money, I just want the presence and freedom. I wonder every day why I'm in such an auspicious position to write. Many days, it feels like I absolutely don't deserve it—and I don't. But God lets me have this time anyways. For whatever reason, He found it in His perfect plan to let me write in this space for whoever wishes to read it. There's an immense feeling of pride I feel in that honor, so there's no reason to lament opportunity costs here.
If you're reading this, thank you.
I want you to know that whatever is going on, we'll get through it together, no matter how lonely we may feel.