Drifting
2026-09-02
This morning has so far been going well, but almost too well. I've been feeling more manic these last few days, which was much scarier when I was a bit younger. But now with more experience under my belt with managing things through medication and good—well, at least better—habits, there's a nice equanimity in my more newfound confidence. I felt myself speeding up before bed last night, and I had to take not one, but two olanzapine pills to get myself back to baseline. I woke up, and didn't feel like my eyes weighed a metric ton; in fact, I felt very well-rested and energized. That's how I know my chemistry is a bit more whacked out. The Lexapro might be contributing to this; since it's been about two or three weeks (?) since starting it, I think the uptake in serotonin has been making me swing a bit further up than I prefer. Managing this shit really is a full-time job, but making the right decision sometimes at least gives me the confidence to keep making decisions—bad or otherwise.
Better to shoot and holler shit anyway, but a bullseye every now and again is okay too. I've got a busier week than usual coming up—dental stuff for my mom and I, and a trip out of town with some church folks for the holiday. This upswing in energy should help me get through it, not be so tired. Though I do fear a bit whether or not I'll be able to sleep well while out of town. Last thing I'd want is to be going about the trip with my eyes halfway open, but I'm not that worried about it. Usually being around good people helps me from being tired, though there have been plenty of instances where the exhaustion still reigns a bit. Still, it'll be a good trip.
For being more up, the words don't feel like they're flowing out as much as usual; funny enough, the blocks even happen when I'm more manic. The weirdest part about being manic is the absolutely terrifying momentum at which I free-associate, but at the very least it can display itself either as good art or funny pieces of conversation. The extra confidence when manic makes me take a lot more risks socially, but sometimes those risks pay off; coming off as more charming can be a nice thing, even if I feel like my mind is drifting further away from me.
Don't keep drifting, please.
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