Small Cross
2026-08-06
Hey, remember that one time you destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing?
Yeah, me neither.
I needed a short break from writing since being Professionally Disabled is such busy work, you know. I had a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and received some new prescriptions. I'm getting back on Lexapro, mostly because the anxiety has been getting a bit harder to manage. I've been on it before, and back then, all I mostly felt were side effects—namely sexual dysfunction and brain fog. I got off of it because I was still getting depressed, but now that I'm a bit older and nowhere near as wise, I understand that alleviating depression takes much more than a medication regimen. Also, the last few days saw a bit of a spike in mood—something I'm far too intimately familiar with. Needing less sleep, feeling a bit more haughty than usual, that kind of thing. Thankfully, two olanzipines at two-thirty in the morning will fix that right up, even if the next day is completely shot. I'd rather have that than the alternative: more stupid decisions I am sure to regret later.
And lo and behold, today I am feeling a bit more straight and narrow, even if that's not by any significant measure. Still, I am better at being compassionate with myself on those days than I used to be. I accept this lot in life, and I don't have as many qualms with it as I used to. I know that even when the waves of gluttony and despondency come, I can rest assured I will get through it thanks to an everlasting grace I don't think I'll ever truly understand. That's okay with me, you know? As I've grown in my faith, I've learned the importance of "dialing to humility," as the radio-operator St. Paisios said, and it helps me stay grounded in important ways. Sometimes I like to think that my conditions have allowed me to reach a certain degree of spiritual advancement, if you will, but learning the true practices and feats of asceticism achieved by the most faithful helps me remember just how much there is to learn and repent for.
Currently, the Church is participating in the Dormition fast, a fixed period during the first two weeks of August. As I'm writing this entry, they are also celebrating the Holy Transfiguration, one of the twelve great feasts of the liturgical year. I feel a bit bad for not being there, but I think it's good that I'm not; yesterday, I broke the fast. I had been doing well too, getting more accustomed to the Wednesday and Friday fasts done regularly throughout the year. I knew that this fast was going to be a difficult one, and I thought I'd be able to get through it. The main thing I've tried implementing is not eating meat or dairy, and that's been tough even outside of my own lack of willpower. I had lasagna with beef last night, and before that, I had a bag of cheddar Sun Chips. It was funny looking at the ingredients on the bag of chips. "Oh come on, lactic acid isn't dairy, right?" I said to myself as I opened up the bag and ate the chips. Next thing you know—yeah, you get it.
Oh, I also received a kpin script from my doctor. Pray for me that I don't get addicted to benzos—can't have that happen again. Those are seriously some of the worst withdrawals ever; they're even worse than opiates, man. But I know that the anxiety gets that bad for me. Last time I was in the psychiatric hospital, I had to spend a few hours in the ER because during a panic attack, my blood pressure got up to "I'm literally dying" levels, and my resting heart rate was somewhere around 150 BPM. What's crazier is that I didn't even realize what was happening; I just knew I felt like shit, which is normal for me, and that I just wanted to go back to bed after the nurses took my vitals. Though when I went back to my room to lie down, the nurses came to me and said, "Hey buddy, we gotta take you to the hospital," to which I sheepishly agreed while getting transported by the ambulance. I thought I was already at the hospital! After getting back from the ER, they gave me a nice kpin dose of 2 mg twice daily for the rest of the week I was there. It helped, I guess.
Honestly with the fast, I'm happy that I got as far as I did. I don't feel as bad about breaking it now, and I knew that yesterday I resolved to myself, "We're getting back on track tomorrow," and hopefully by the grace of God, I can keep it that way. I definitely would've eaten from that stupid fucking tree. Such is life, I suppose. I'm glad to have this lot, really I am. I just hope that I don't get any visits from angels any time soon, lest I really succumb to the fear that comes with seeing their holiness. Weirdly, I'm more comfortable being afraid of demons, and since they knock on my door every moment of every day, I'd rather quite literally deal with the devil I know. I must remain vigilant, and carry out this stupid fucking assignment for as long as I am needed. Will it be for a long time? I really hope not, but I know not to be so agitated in the act of carrying my small, puny little cross.
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