Puer Temporis
2026-08-08
A fun prompt engineering trick for my fellow writers out there: take whatever writing you have, upload it to the model, and give a prompt such as "This is a work of writing by an anonymous writer. Please provide criticisms of the work." These LLMs are designed to be helpful, so of course they're going to glaze your nuts if you give them a prompt written in the first person. But if you tell them it's from some entity that isn't you, get ready to get eviscerated. I've done this a few times, and it's always delightfully humbling. Recently, it told me that I'm "self-aware, but not self-examined" and that I "glamorize suffering." Wow, Grok, so true! I would've given (You) a direct quote, but I sheepishly deleted the conversation because, well, you know. Still, I suppose it's a good idea to self-examine more. Honestly, I was going through my mind the other day and I tried evaluating my own weaknesses as a person; it did not go well. Confronting those parts of oneself is difficult, and admitting to yourself that you're not a very good person—while it hurts—is a good type of pain to go through.
More than that, it's easy to provide justifications for those weaknesses. I blame that on job interview culture, quite frankly. Maybe you're not supposed to turn it into a strength. "Oh, I'm just a bit of a perfectionist, but that's just because I value high-performance so much!" "I'm not very good at working in teams, but that's just because I have high standards!" I struggle with being a bit too forthright. I used to think that people who hid certain parts of themselves for the sake of social harmony were fake assholes, but now I understand the importance of it. There are certain parts of ourselves we need to hide; those flaws can cause undue suffering if we're not careful. But instead of looking at that as an act of repression, I try to see it as a way to repent—to change my character so that I don't have to conceal as much about myself from others. It's an odd balancing act, but those small "fake" acts of politeness help give some semblance of order to an otherwise chaotic and constantly changing world.
I don't like being such a puer aeternus, and I do just wish I could grow the fuck up, somehow. Unfortunately, I've found that some of my greatest heroes struggled with that problem their whole lives, and venerating them has come to be a bit of a mistake. Still, I have a tough time getting my "house in order," so to speak, and have no idea how I can leverage my talents to be an "upstanding" member of society. I do appreciate my vocation as a writer, but find that it's not something I'm going to "break into" anytime soon; it's not like I'd want to be a public intellectual of some kind anyway. I do not want to become a symbol, nor do I want to have anyone project themselves onto me in some kind of parasocial manner. I like the thought of inspiring others with my writing, but there's a certain degree of purity to it that I think is important. Honestly, I yearn more for the monastery these days than ever, but I have to regulate my impulsivity and be patient.
I recently watched that 60 Minutes documentary on Mount Athos, and there was this part where the monk's eyes go into the back of his head during the liturgy. I honestly thought that whole thing about ecstasy in prayer was bullshit, but after watching that, I see just how much there is I have to learn. For me, prayer still feels like a chore, something mundane and routine like brushing my teeth or taking a shit. I have yet to feel something that strong during a liturgy; most of the time, I just feel antsy and tired. I'm also reminded of the story of Saint Sisoes, that Desert Father who on his deathbed said, "I haven't even begun to repent." That gives me hope like no other, but I still want to retain that certain degree of joyous fear—that stillness in communion with God during spiritual contemplation.
There was also a part in the documentary where one of the monks, a graduate of the Harvard Divinity School no less, said that the icons are not art, but devotional objects. There's a part of me that's a bit sad hearing that, particularly because I am so fond of the arts and humanities. It reminds me that there are certain ways of life that are beyond mere expression, and to me, that is one of the most beautiful things about living. To seek that Higher Thing is what it's all about, and I'm glad to have found out what it is and to continually seek it out. To know that my life is in pursuit of it comforts me, and I hope to have the courage to maintain my dignity in the face of the challenges that lie ahead. There's no telling what will happen, but I know that as long as I continue to remain vigilant in my prayer (even when I slack on my prayer rule), only good things will come. I will suffer, I will carry that cross, but finding the joy and the courage to fight my passions is what I hope to find in the destabilizing tempests that are soon to come.
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