Proof of Something
2026-07-04
You get to fuck off; I have to fuck off.
That was a negative piece of self-talk I had in an internal monologue against the haters who probably don't even exist. What, you don't internally monologue against the haters? You should try it sometime. Anyway, I was reeling against myself like I usually do because I've struggled to accept the increased base of uncertainty I must live through because of my conditions. I realized there are a lot of sacrifices I've had to make just so I don't go off the walls again, and I was lamenting that; there's so much I can't put on myself in life because I can't be reliably certain of how I'll be six months or a year from now. I can tell someone like a prospective employer that I'm smart, talented, blah blah blah; but then I'll find myself in another episode resulting from work stress, crash out, and burn the bridges like I've done so many times in the past. I'm fortunate enough to have conditions that don't yield much stress, otherwise I'd be out on a city street in my underwear yelling at traffic. No, instead I get to LARP as a laptop-class cretin, commentating on life in an auspicious but otherwise corrupt set of conditions.
To say I'm not grateful for the life I've cultivated, however, would be a lie. In spite of certain sacrifices I've had to make to retain a semblance of sanity, I've cultivated immense intellectual discipline. I read more than most people I know; I've retained a great bit of digital sovereignty; my attention span feels mostly restored after recovering from over a decade of doomscrolling. Even if the end result of that is just a simple website, I feel a great honor to curate my thoughts here and show a proof-of-concept for life on the Indie Web. Further cementing this proof-of-concept: I received my first donation this morning from one of my readers. Hopefully you're reading this, and to (You) directly, I say thank you. I've spent so much time laboring over this project, and while it's been nice receiving the personal satisfaction of publishing, I now have tangible proof that this work is financially valuable to someone other than just myself. Like I've said before, I should be paying y'all, honest to God.
I've had to learn the importance and true meaning of taking up my cross. I think a lot of people, particularly men, see that as having to suffer for righteousness' sake; they welcome it, almost to a point of either masochism or some unequivocal exchange. It's a flaw to think that suffering leads us to salvation. No, suffering leads us nowhere; there is no reason we should have to suffer, yet we suffer anyway. I don't want to delight in suffering for some kind of strange reward, especially because it might make me forget about the grace I receive every single day I don't shoot myself in the head. The truth is that we can't say for certain why exactly it is we take up our cross. The future is never mapped out for us that cleanly, and it would be foolish of us to say that we suffer for the sake of God's will. Just as it says in Psalm 51 (KJV), the Lord doesn't delight in any kind of offering or sacrifice, otherwise we'd give it to Him. God's will happens regardless of our choices, and so we have to be in alignment with it not out of some desire to know Him, but because we can trust that His providence will happen regardless of whatever outcome results from our actions.
Because we can trust in Him for everything, we can suffer whatever comes our way. That's why we take up that cross—not to attain salvation, but to trust that it'll come regardless of what happens in this life or the next. That's why it's more important to be kind to ourselves; the world is a dangerous and at times cruel place, but we don't have to let that stop us from trusting in God and holding His statutes close to our hearts. Regardless of any kind of reward or suffering, we persist not out of some inherent desire to live, but through the constant and everlasting force that is God's love and mercy. There's no reason we need to be so strong, no reason to forget our true purpose in life. It's a constant battle to not forget this fact, and that's why I pray every single day. To keep the Logos close to my lips is what helps me attain that spirit of peace.
This writing serves no other purpose than to remind myself of that, even on those darkest days. I can't say for sure where this project will go six months or a year from now, but all I hope for is that spirit of peace to never leave my fingertips, lest I succumb to the evils that so perniciously roam about this myopic sensory plane. As you read this, I hope the same for you too, that we may share these wonderful gifts together in whatever fashion is most comfortable for you. This writing is proof—of something, anyway.
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