Means Everything
2026-07-13
Information is pretty overrated, isn't it?
In so many ways, it feels like we're really just going around in circles, and the sense of novelty feels more dangerous to me than anything. I keep circling things in my head, and it's basically just the same twelve or so core thoughts spinning in loops over and over again. Sure, the aesthetic details might be different—the people, places, things, actions—but when I really boil it down, it's all much of the same. Having access to the information we have today makes the world seem like a much smaller place than it actually is, and it's so easy to forget the sheer magnitude of it—and how inconsequential we are in The Grand Scheme. I don't know; maybe I wish things were more interesting to me, but they're not. Any sense of ambition or desire for something I don't have gives me no satisfaction. At the end of the day, I'll still have nothing; the next morning will come, and all of it will fade away into some kind of memory or abstraction.
I suppose that's fine, and thinking through that gives me perspective; there's really not much to worry about because there's just, well, not much at all. I don't mean that in some kind of disillusioned fashion, either. I still enjoy simple things, but this idea of wanting there to be "more" feels so gross to me. More than anything, I care mostly for dispassion. I don't want to be a slave to my body or my impulses—or at the very least, I don't want to feel like there's someone else in the driver's seat most of the time. Not that I have anywhere I want to go anyway, but at least I can feel more comfortable in my own skin, content with my environment and my lot in life. Finding things to do—even when there's a sense of direction—feels aimless to me, and whenever I see other people with that fire in their eyes and the vibrations trickling from their bodies, it evokes a certain sense of pity. "What are you so worked up for?" I'll think to myself, somewhat smugly.
What am I so worked up for? Honestly, life is a bit of a torturous thing for me. It's hard to feel triumphant, and most of the time I can only ever feel militant. That's a tiring place to be, and I find it too difficult to appreciate those times when I do win or get something out of life. In the same way I'll say "it's all bullshit anyway" when I lose, the same is true when I win. After so long, it's the only thing that begins to ring true. Perhaps I really am that disillusioned, but getting out of it is hard; it provides a certain kind of armor, I suppose. That level of detachment has been necessary in many aspects of my life, and while it feels nice to not give a shit, I fear much of the time that it's carving me hollow.
I'm sure we've all seen the Apathy Defense in some way or another. To quote Dracula Flow: "This shit don't mean nothin' to me, man." While it's a fair enough posture in the short term, especially when it's a younger person adopting it, the psychological damage builds up over time. To quote Lacan: "repression and the return of the repressed are one and the same thing." So in that sense, saying shit means nothing to us also means that it means everything to us. It's an interesting conundrum then, finding that middle ground. My life has been a continuous effort in seeking that, especially because I've had to thwart suicidal thoughts so many times; if shit really was nothin' to me, I would've shot myself in the head some time ago.
To quote the great DFW: "There is no such thing as not worshipping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship." I'd much prefer not to worship something that will eat me alive, and in this life, that seems to be literally everything else but Christ, respectfully. So many great thinkers have come before me (not saying I'm a great thinker, btw) and what I've found is that it's not the stuff we think about that matters, but what that thinking orients itself toward. I'd rather not fall victim to any kind of vainglory and think that all of this work I do is supposed to manifest into some kind of Great Thing or whatever. The motion of things is indifferent to the handiwork of men, and instead of trying to convince myself that anything leads anywhere, I'd rather focus on maintaining attention on my faith and the short, simple, yet incomprehensible commands given to me by my Lord and my God.
Anything else would be a disservice.
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