Fallibly Lost
2026-07-22
Many things in life can seem cruel or indifferent, but that's just because we can't always recognize the greater things that lie ahead. Today I read about the life of Saint Markella, martyr of Chios. I don't know why I haven't been reading the lives of the saints every single day from the OCA website yet; after all these months as a catechumen, I'd have thought I would've picked that up sooner. Speaking of that, it's typical for most parishes that catechesis lasts about a year, typically so that one can see the full liturgical year before being received into the Church; however, I am beginning to think that a year isn't enough time. There are many prayers one needs to memorize before being fully ready to receive the faith, and while many who receive it don't memorize them due to the ubiquity of written text, I personally find that I'll need to have a bunch of stuff memorized before I find myself ready to receive the sacraments. I have the time and resources to do so, and to neglect that would be a waste. Man, I really need to compile a list already.
Going back to Saint Markella, I found it enlightening to see her endurance in the faith, one that persisted over a thousand years after the resurrection. Even today, despite our foibles and follies, the light of Christ still shines all around the Earth. Even though I don't consider myself much of an ecumenist, I do know that the Lord saves non-Orthodox alike; He has to, that much I know. One of my biggest inspirations is Daniel Johnston for a multitude of reasons. Even if Daniel was a Protestant and by all measures technically a heretic, his life was so ascetic and saint-like that I have no doubt he is receiving God's grace in his repose. Even if he will never be venerated by the Church, he's a saint to me, and I don't care what anyone else says. You listen to True Love Will Find You in the End and tell me that didn't come out of a saint's mouth; I dare you.
But of course, even in all the suffering of those venerated or otherwise, there is that greater thing we're all striving for. I know that in my own life, uncertainty abounds, and there's so much that doesn't go right, externally and internally. Yet I find myself growing more indifferent to my own will and desires with each passing day; it takes more strength to submit than to surrender. Dispassion and detachment bear the sweetest fruits, truly—a calm mind, an alignment of intellect, a deep and uncompromising trust in something greater than myself. That's why I find so much distaste for most narratives, particularly the increasing interest for "real-life" footage and stories. Even beyond the growing panopticon and further erosion of individual and systemic privacy, I can't find any value in being a voyeur to the worst moments in the lives of people I'll never know. It's too powerful a thing to be that voyeur, and I don't want to be part of the problem.
Regardless of whether my life is peaceful or not, I understand that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. When I see the tragedy in the life of Saint Markella, I don't see a victim of persecution and evil. Saint Markella remained vigilant in her faith because she knew that even in the worst of circumstances, her life would persist, especially beyond her violent repose. I hope the same is true for myself, and that I don't cower in the face of my convictions. I know that I'll keep making mistakes, oftentimes the same ones repeatedly, but I know that virtue stands above even my own shallow and circumstantial weakness. No matter how spiritually advanced anyone becomes, we still have to contend with never being able to see the full picture. No argument can penetrate the unknown, and so I hope to maintain my resolve in the face of those unknown things—to keep repenting and growing despite the pain, the loss, and especially the evil.
I know that at the end of the day, we are all fallible and lost children of God, and I will never look at someone else as a perpetrator or a victim or anything greater than they actually are. We're all vessels for those unseen things, and I hope to be one that perpetuates the things that actually matter, regardless of my passions or inclinations toward unrighteous things.
I might not know what I can endure, but I know that I will endure it anyway.
Support my work with Liberapay
Bitcoin address: bc1qtgqvj6qjxnaxkns20x5rcwnxvv3jqzhduvvxfc