Tunnels
2026-06-24
There really is no light at the end of the tunnel, right?
Come on, that's not so bad. The tunnel's pretty nice, you know? Maybe we can pitch a tent here, have some coffee, and chat about tunnel life. That doesn't seem so bad, does it? That was my sad thought of the night before getting to bed, and I thought it was decent enough to put here. Ah well, I'm feeling better after waking up this morning, having my smoke and breakfast (a protein shake), doing my morning routine, and finishing my first cup of coffee. Don't you love it after you have that first cup, and you finally feel like the day can actually start? These days, it usually takes me at least an hour before I feel like I can actually start my day. Man, if I had to do some shitty morning commute to work, I just don't know if I could handle it. Especially around here, I just know I'd have to deal with a 45-minute drive one way in horrendous city traffic. People around here drive like maniacs; speeding is not just normal, but if you don't speed, you can feel the disgust from everyone passing you. Yeah, I sure would love to do that every morning.
Some mornings for me are easier than others, but most of them are still quite difficult. It's always a fight to get over my immense tiredness, and I've had so many mornings where I am struggling to keep my eyes open while trying to start the day. When I was younger, I could fight off the tiredness in the mornings better, and it was easier to push through it so I could start my day. I'd show up to school or work and after the first hour or so, I'd be alright. But then once I started having to take medications and my health started getting worse, those mornings became unbearable. Even today, there are many mornings where I'll wake up, get out of bed, and be so tired that I go back to sleep—and another four hours pass. Being so tired sucks, especially when there are things I wish I could do.
I get caught between feeling like a loser and feeling like I'm better than everyone else, quite honestly. I say that because I know plenty of folks who have a nice office job, and when I prod them a bit about their work life, I realize that so much of it isn't that hard to pull off. In the same way that "chronically online" people have to constantly keep their finger on the pulse, answer all their messages, and whatever else—that's exactly what someone in a nice office job does too. Except, well, they get paid a decent chunk of change for it. I look at my life and on the surface, it seems quite easy; to the outside observer, they might wonder what exactly is wrong with me; things seem pretty calm from afar. But inside, I have to deal with a lot of internal strife. It's not like I'm necessarily unique on that front, but I see how other people manage, and it makes me wonder why I'm not able to contend with it myself.
I wish I wasn't so—I don't know—different. Whenever I talk to people, most of the time I can sense this fear in them. It's not one that I share; it's a different kind of fear, I think. My fear comes from all of the crazy metaphysical shit I've seen in my life, but theirs seems to come from a more grounded place. They're worried about their house of cards falling, and I can sense it in the timbre of their voice, those small little upticks in pitch when they finish a sentence. I worry that they think I can see them for what they "really" are, I don't know. Or worse, they think that I think I'm better than them in some way. I think that mix of pride and low self-esteem is a weird part of being human, and it's something I've seen in so many people, including myself. In my past, I've expressed it in weird ways: trying to convince people that none of this matters to me, while still having a desire to outperform them in some way. It's a deeply insecure position to be in, and with all the wonderful people I've met in my life, I've learned so much about strengths in others. And for the best of them, it helps me be better at cultivating my own.
Oh hey, check it out. I found a lighter in my pocket.
See, we've got our own little light right here.
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