The Only Thing I Can Do
2026-06-19
I was at a baseball game with my folks yesterday, and it was a good time. I didn't really spend much time watching the game, but it was cool to see those guys playing; it was a visceral experience compared to watching it on a television. When watching a game on a screen, it's almost surreal, like I can't trust that it's actually happening; but seeing those guys in the flesh, doing their thing—it gave me a sort of confirmation on reality, that things are still real. With spending so much time at home on my computer, I often forget that things actually do happen in the real world. Screens and moving images can provide a small window to the happenings of elsewhere, but when I spend so much time seeing those unreal things—protests, war footage, concerts, nature documentaries—it makes me forget that the world is such a big and complicated place with so many moving parts.
I feel sad to be stuck in one place, and I think the great sense of longing many of us feel comes from that. People talk about FOMO, but I've never felt it in the way most people describe. I'm not concerned with having been there, but more concerned with only having a scarce amount of energy and time to invest in things. There's so many causes, so many things that matter and are worth preserving and creating; but I am just a single individual, and my influence and reach is small. Even those with considerable amounts of influence or power—they are still bound to the same constraints as I am. They can only be in one place at a time, can only give themselves entirely to one thing at a time.
But still, everyone's ass gets dirty when they shit.
Sorry, that was crude. I've been sitting on that line for the last, like, week now and had to get it out before I lost it. Born to shit, forced to wipe—yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, that longing to do more and be more is a good thing; but I still have to contend with fighting despair. Something I learned recently: we know about sloth, one of those seven deadly sins or whatever. Growing up, I always thought it was synonymous with being lazy or inactive. I guess that's just a symptom of being indoctrinated by the ideals of the Protestant work ethic, may John Calvin rest in Hell. But no, sloth means being overcome by despair—and lacking the ability to take action as a result. When going through the deceptions and maladies of depression, I know the troubles of this sin all too well. I've also learned that there is always something I can do for the day, even if it's not a whole lot. The bar for a good day is significantly lower than I used to think as a younger guy; all I really have to do is keep the simple stuff in check, and pray consistently.
For the last few years since reconverting to Christianity, the number one thing I have learned to pray for is the will of God to be done, and to not rely on my own wants and desires. To know that the Lord has good things planned for me, and to stay in tandem with His will—that's what helps me stay afloat, even on the worst of days. If someone is upset with me or if I fail to hold myself up to my own standards, I know that I can give it up to God and rest in the yoke of His good and perfect will and intent. So much bad stuff happens in life, but it's all a means to help me learn to trust and love God with all my heart, mind, and soul.
I've been trying to understand the true nature of love. It's something I thought I understood, and on a basic intellectual level, I did. But as I've matured over the course of my twenties, I've come to see that love rests in humility. To never raise my voice at someone, never feel wronged by anyone, and to forgive endlessly—that is a small part of the truest way I can show love, and while it is immensely difficult and something I can fail at constantly, God gives me so many attempts to correct myself and persist in applying His teachings. Love is not a moral position because moral positions come from an authoritative posture; love does not boast, and it does not command. It is the absolute stripping of any and all authority in the name of unity, compassion, and tender-heartedness that must be cultivated, treasured, and multiplied. I don't love because it is the right thing to do.
I love because it is the only thing I can do.
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