Stagnation
2026-06-01
I've finally added back skincare to my morning routine. A good facial cleanser and SPF moisturizer really does go a long way, man. My forehead feels as smooth as my brain, lemme tell ya. I have some stupid errands to run today, and getting them done is going to be a pain to start, but once I'm out the door I'll feel alright. For me, the hardest thing about being "productive" is the procrastination; once I get the ball rolling, though, I can usually do okay. When I was younger, I let stress take me to the finish line usually; but these days I'm less prone to letting that happen. That's mostly due to actually having a decent checklist, not doing too much at once, and grounding myself in routines. When I started college, I was immensely thrown off by the lack of structure in a given day. All the class days were different, and there was significantly more free time. I think a lot of people criticize the secondary education system; they'll say things like "I can't believe you have to sit there for eight hours a day doing the same things and going to the same classes every day!" I didn't realize it until later on in life, but that structure was actually extremely helpful for me. It was so helpful, in fact, that when I lost it in college, it made me spend much of my adult life fighting to get back to that sense of normalcy.
Of course, getting sick just compounded that. For a good several years, I really thought there was no way out for me. I spent every day not knowing what was going to happen, and not caring if I lived or died. I knew something was deeply wrong, but I couldn't cope with it. So instead, I spent much of my time doing drugs, sleeping, and getting further trapped in vice. It was a sad thing because so many ambitions I thought I could achieve just simply weren't going to happen in the state I was in. It was a tough thing admitting to myself how much I was struggling, and even today I still feel as if my efforts toward recovery aren't enough. I've just had to accept that they probably never will be, but that it shouldn't stop me from trying anyway. Every day is a new chance to do something else, and whether I decide to take a plunge or just chill out and try not to worry so much—it's all a smaller part of something bigger than just me.
With writing these entries, I've had to figure out how to put more space in between writing them. When the project first started, it was easy for me to blast out a long sprint, mostly because I had so much I needed to get out that hadn't been written yet. But all these months later as a public-facing project, there have been many things I've already written about. Especially now as my site has been getting a larger, more consistent audience, it makes me feel as if I have to keep making the bar higher in certain respects. In the same way that I change and grow as a person, I feel my writing must do the same. However, when one writes this consistently, the periods of stagnation make themselves readily apparent, whether I want them to or not. That's a tough thing to face, telling myself that I'm not improving in this constant fashion. Many days, I come to the page with no good lines, no solid outline of what I want the entry to be.
Yet I still write anyway.
Even in periods of stagnation, there is always something to say. The main battle I face on the page every day is one of fear; it's hard to be honest with myself, let alone be as confessional as I am here. But this practice of saying exactly what's on the top of my mind helps me figure things out. Many days, I don't know what the creative result of an entry will be, but figuring it out as it comes onto the page is a special thing to me. We can all lament certain cultural decays resultant of computers and the internet, but quite frankly, this style of writing wouldn't be possible without it; silver linings, I suppose. Good writing is easier and harder to find than ever. Many feel dependent on algorithms of some kind to deliver it to them, despite the price of their sanity and cognitive space bought up by data brokers. Even today, so many people feel a sense of platform entrapment, but don't have the wherewithal to get themselves out of it. Either that, or they don't see it as platform entrapment at all, but as having some kind of finger on some kind of strange arrhythmic pulse.
I get it, especially with things like memes or good music. A truly funny meme or some other kind of joyous piece of media really helps us get through the day, despite the saturated nature of it all. It's as auspicious a time as it is dumbfounding and anxiety-inducing, and there's still so much of it to see. But it makes time feel like it's moving a lot faster than it actually is; trends come and go by the week, but it's been like this for so long now that it makes the last ten years feel like at least twenty, if not more. It's a bit depressing to see how it's all come and gone, especially as I come further into maturity. It makes me wonder how I'm supposed to move forward. Every day I have to make that choice, but most days I don't know what to do about it.
Maybe I'll just stay here a little while.
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