Tortillas
2026-05-27
I hate how my brain doesn't play nice.
I was having a rough afternoon yesterday after dealing with all that car stuff, and thankfully over the evening I was able to get a loaner from my folks until I secure funds for a new vehicle. Today has mostly been an effort in trying to get the best price for my car, and that's a whole crunch and a half, lemme tell ya. But thankfully, I have a decent enough plan to get a price for my old car that hopefully isn't rock-bottom. Dealing with that stuff is a real pain in the neck, but I've gotten better about letting stuff like that go and not getting too stressed out about it. The Kagi Assistant came in clutch helping me figure out a good route to go, and at this point it's just a matter of waiting for a good offer to come in. I'm hoping to have the car sold by the end of this week, but we'll see.
Coming back to write helps me take that personal inventory, you know? I've realized just how little so much in life matters, and that much of our problems stem from interpersonal stuff and a general lack of inner peace. I've learned how to really let things go, and be okay with whatever comes with the day. When I look back on my life—whether it be a few years ago or over a decade ago—I find that there's so little I've actually held onto over those larger spans of time. There are so many days I couldn't recall to you, so many small disturbances and victories alike. Sure, they all sum up to today and how I got here, but that's all I have—the sum. I can't tell you much about old memories, especially on demand. It's also strange how little I remember about stuff, and things that others in my life still have picked up. I've had tons of situations where someone will tell a story about me—something that I did or said—and I cannot recall that memory even in the slightest. The things that matter to me and those that matter to others have an odd mismatch that makes me question so much of my current reality.
I mean, was I really just transported into this current moment? Were memories planted somehow? Rationally, I can't say for sure. That thought is a bit discomforting, but to me it goes to show just how much it matters to live in the here and now. If I had to give an explanation of what I've learned or what I've experienced, I just don't think I could give a truly concise answer. It's a complicated mess; there are all these contradictions, fabrications I'll make without my own consent. Especially over the last few years, there really doesn't feel like a "true center" to me, and that incites a fair amount of anxiety. But that's why I give it all up to God every day; I know I can't handle it when it gets really overwhelming, and I have even more confidence now that I will never be given more than I can handle. Whatever comes of that—suffering and joy alike—it'll all transpire because there's a greater and more important plan at work.
People talk about the "rat race" or feeling like a "cog in a machine" like it's some kind of bad thing. We are cogs, man, but that's fine. Seriously, what more could you ask for? Everything is interconnected, and not even in a literal technological sense; it's interconnected in ways that go beyond our capabilities of explanation, and that's a good and fine thing. Feeling like nothing matters makes complete sense because, well, it doesn't. All of life is a temporary thing, and when it's all said and done we do things to reduce pain, escape for a little while, get something tangible or intangible. The greater pursuit is something that goes beyond our intellectual capabilities, and holding ourselves up to the true flames of change can hurt too much most of the time. Take it easy, man. Nothing's gained; nothing's lost; so don't worry about it, okay?
We live just for today, that's it.
I recently saw posts from Hunter Biden's Xitter page and of course, he's got the AI-written recovery posts going along. As someone who's been through drug addiction and Psychiatric Problems, I get it. There's a certain amount of corniness to it, and while sitting around with banal platitudes doesn't make one seem fun or interesting, they unfortunately just work. Even if other people dissuade us from using that kind of corny language, it doesn't matter; when life gives you corn, make tortillas, I don't know. All of these entries I write here circle around the same things, just said in different ways; and that's fine with me. Honestly, there's only been like twelve good things ever said all throughout human history ever, so remixing that is fine. Make it corny, make it interesting—who really gives a shit anyway?
I think I'm gonna go eat some chips and salsa now.
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