Seeking
2026-05-13
Man, novelty sucks. I think I feel this way because whenever something new gets introduced in my life, I get so into it for a little while, and then once the dust settles, it just gets tossed into the proverbial dumpster. For me, sustainability on a personal level has been so hard to maintain. There's been a constant shift in my proclivities and attention—things get dull before they get fresh again, and I feel left in a state of fallout more often than I should. This daily blog has been an attempt to stop that, but even on the days where I lose steam, I tell myself that I have to hold myself up to the standard I established at the beginning—or get better—and if there's any decline in that, I've gotta throw it away and start fresh with something else. I've realized now that I'm just really good at being mean to myself, so I'm making efforts to stop that, even if it's hard. With a world that expects a consistent kind of energy all the time, it can be tough to be accommodating when my internal levels feel at such a mismatch with outside expectations. I don't know, sometimes I think I'm being clear and effective with my thoughts and communication, but then people will tell me that I'm talking like a drunk person and it makes me doubt my intellectual capacities.
Like, am I stupid? Are they stupid? Are we both stupid? It's something that's difficult to bear with, let alone understand. But that's my constant problem: this ache and urge to be universally understood. I know it won't ever happen, and that's fine. I don't have to be validated, and I can even be disliked or hated; no one needs to get me so that I can be satisfied with what's in between my ears. But at the same time, I don't have to compromise what's going on up here to placate anyone. Honestly, I've learned the importance of keeping my mouth shut; the less I say, the better off I am, usually. All I have to focus on is getting through the day without a bullet in my face—that's it. Anything else is just a matter of (mis)fortunate circumstance, and I shouldn't let it dictate my thoughts and feelings in a way that isn't conducive to what actually matters. I guess that's been the ultimate struggle in my life: figuring out what matters. No one seems to have a good enough answer, do they? Either that, or it's some kind of authoritative secular moralizing that can pretty easily get peeled back to just another crack of the whip.
I've learned that loving God matters. I've learned that loving my neighbor matters just as much. Even if I get spit on, blown to dust, whatever—the love that I feel will never get torn down, even if it's never fully reciprocated by my neighbor. I have no desire to seek the benefits of being a "kind" person, because the supposed benefits from that are worldly bullshit anyway; no, I don't need people to make me feel better about myself. Just in the same way that animals don't worry, I shouldn't either. I know that I'm worth more to God than a random hawk I see flying above my house, so all these worries about what's going to happen, how it'll all go down—it's just bogus, man. Total bogus. But then I ask myself about how I have to direct my energy. Prayer is, of course, the main way to direct it; however, work is just as important, and if it's going to take up more than half of my day anyway, it better be work that doesn't make me feel bad for doing it. I get so wrapped up in my head about "systemic corruption" or whatever, but I didn't realize until recently that even if it's corrupt, it's there because God allows it to be. A rejection of those systems is a rejection of God, which is something I can't tolerate for myself.
Coming to know God has been a twisted and narrow journey; the things I thought I knew were just an elaborate veil for inner doubt and despair. Being able to see past my own pride has been a difficult undertaking, but I know now that it doesn't have to be done alone. No matter where I go, I can find comfort in knowing that people are generally trying their best to do good, and even if it doesn't feel that way at times, I can rest assured that God will show me where the right people are. It might take some time to get there, but it'll happen. Even today, I know that I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me, and when I feel like I can't help them the same way they've helped me, all I have to do is ask the Lord to show me the way—and take it when it's revealed. Even outside of my lack of confidence, the gears of the universe still turn, day in and day out. If something isn't there at the moment, that doesn't guarantee it won't be later. I'll just have to keep seeking until it reappears.
Keep seeking, searching, and maybe then——
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