Just For Today
2026-05-03
Divine Liturgy was great today, thanks for asking.
Finally I was able to receive the catechumen prayers at the liturgy today. Glory to God! Prior to today, this weekend was exhausting. Just one Olanzapine, and your boy was basically out for a solid 48 hours. Getting the sleep is good, especially since I'm still in the throes of sleep apnea. But things have been trending upward; I finally found a way to get back on the Mounjaro, and after being back on it for over a month and getting my dose up to the 0.5g pens, my weight loss has been making steady progress. My folks keep telling me that I'm slimming down, and I can see it in the mirror and in the looseness of my clothes. Don't worry, ladies, I'm not breaking any hearts yet. But still, there's a certain part of me that does that forward-thinking where I tell myself, "Oh, once I get fit again, that's when it'll really start." I've never liked that kind of aspiration, especially since I've been down the toilet enough times to know that setting those kinds of ambitions and expectations can be damaging in their own way.
Regardless of now or a year or twenty years from now, I live just for today.
I don't want to decry having things to look forward to; there's still much anticipation for my catechesis and eventual Chrismation, and that gives me joy in spite of the hardships ahead. I have the wisdom now to know that no matter what happens, trouble is right around the corner. But instead of letting it bring me down, I can face it with the courage I have because God will never give me more than I can handle. Even when there are still so many days where I feel like I have absolutely nothing in me, God is there every second, providing for me in ways that are beyond my meager understanding. There are so many days where I feel like I'm not enough, that I don't have what it takes to be here on this earth—toiling along with my fellow humans and helping us survive in the cruel and unjust dangers that constantly surround us. But I'm beyond feelings of uselessness; the gavel isn't mine to hold, and it never was.
Many feel a certain sense of "civic duty" living in the world. My government is democratic (mostly), and there's a desire that I and many others have to make the system that governs us better in some way. When I was in my early twenties, there were many efforts on my college campus to politically organize around many different vested interests. Whether it was for a political party or a special interest group, many of us felt emboldened to actuate change in our campus and government through organizing events, rallying signatures, and casting ballots. As I've gone through my life and seen the failings of those systems on a personal and societal level, I've had so many periods of disillusionment and despair. "If the world's going to be fucked up either way, why bother changing it?" I'd tell myself as I spent another day glued to my bed getting harassed by demons in my sleep. In a sense, that sentiment is still there, but I've since reframed it from a position of despair to one of surrender.
The world will always be fucked up, but God and His commandments are greater.
Love God, your neighbor, and yourself; everything else is dust, friends. When I drown in the waves of constant overthinking, I constantly get caught up in the how of things; leftist sympathizers refer to it as praxis, the "how" to the "why." Any leftist with a pulse can attest that getting too bent up in praxis will send you straight into panic. Many fellow overthinkers cope with this by delving even further into theory. "Maybe once I finally understand Deleuze, Foucault, Nietzsche, Hegel, Marx, Spinoza, Plato, Lacan, Jung, and the entirety of the Western canon, I'll have the exact praxis I need!" Spoiler alert: you won't. Anyway, all of that reading and thinking becomes too much, and the intellectual overload is one that doesn't get much attention because it doesn't look as belaboring as something physical would. But hey, all that thinking burns calories too, man.
In between that last paragraph, I went out for a smoke and went on all kinds of tangents. Ugh, I hate it when I do that. Well, not really, but now I have to take my tangents and relate them to whatever else I was saying. Ah, yes, burning calories with thinking. Listen, man, if my physique matched my thinking power, I think I'd be more powerful than Adonis, okay? Anyway, I guess it's the same thing as a guy who's super muscular and can fistfight; there's a lot in wielding that kind of power, but it takes even more strength to keep it sheathed. I guess with how much text is on this website, there's not really so much sheathing on my part, is there? Well, whatever—if I didn't have these things to write every day, I'd be a lot worse off than a guy with a mortal stab wound. Oh, you're probably wondering what kind of tangent I went on while I was outside. It was about sex stuff, sorry. I'll give you this fun little poem I'm blatantly stealing from a friend:
I love titties big, and titties small; but the titties of the one I love—those I love most of all.
Well, he said it a bit differently, but I gave it that old-school literary flair, so there you go. I don't want to give you my sex wisdom—not right now. I'll just say that there's a lot of status-seeking in it, and that status is the last thing we should be concerned about. Pride is the ugliest sin, and the so-called "gender war" I see people talking about is a sad thing. It's only like a war in that there have been plenty of casualties on both sides, but thankfully that isn't anything new. Regardless of era or personal lot, we all have plenty of moral wounds from the battlefield of love. But temperance triumphs over all, and taking those ill feelings from a bad breakup or brutal rejection—and giving them to God—is the best thing we can do for ourselves. Forgiveness is never for the person who wronged you; it's always for yourself, friend. Longing is a troublesome thing, but just as we long for the perfection of God, there's beauty in that struggle.
A lot of guy friends I've talked to express anxiety about "getting to that next stage" of life, but I've grown so tired of thinking about life that way. I know now that the next stage is way too much to ask for, and I only ever ask for one thing anymore:
Today.
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