Gross Human Constants
2026-05-07
Man, rationality is such a meme.
I think rationality is important when you have something tangible you're dealing with, like a problem at work or figuring out what you need to say; but when it's just you, alone with nowhere to go and nothing to do, that rational mind really doesn't have any place there. This is where I get a bit sour with the rationalists: they think they have to take every aspect of life and shove it into a coherent and usually Godless worldview. I think this comes from seeing openness as strictly a positive quality. Like, you've taken one of those OCEAN personality tests, right? Those five dimensions: openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism—they all seem to have certain biases toward them. Many seem to think that a "peak" individual is one with high openness, high conscientiousness, high extroversion, low agreeableness, and low neuroticism. "Oh, people with high openness are creative and intelligent," the Psychology Bros of America will tell you based on their extensive "research and analysis." I score insanely high on openness as a result of being a literal clinically insane person, and let me tell you that all this openness fucking sucks.
I think the main reason why such high openness can be a challenge is because it makes me believe that I can just think my way out of stuff. I've run into enough brick walls in my life to know that's not true, but shaking off that belief is such a challenge because I let myself constantly fall into a series of cognitive expectations and restraints—to the point where I constantly get lost in my own proverbial sauce. Spending all my time trying to make sense of stuff has 99% of the time led to things just making—absolutely no sense. The mania makes this even worse; all that constant free association that seems to just happen automatically and without my soul's express written consent has, at many times, led me to conclusions that are drastically and existentially harmful. I mean, can you imagine actually believing that you're the Antichrist and that the government has been tracking you so extensively that they are making distinct efforts to quell the Great Evil that rests inside of you?
Yeah, me neither.
I'm happy to report that I have decided to finally bite the bullet and get back into the job market. This level of disclosure might be uncomfortable and probably not in my best interests, but if my prospective employers are going to search my name anyway then they'll find this site regardless of what I do (hi guys!), so I'll do my best to make my disclosures more about my feelings and personal inclinations rather than anything professionally relevant. But anyway, I've had some emails hitting my inbox for some time quietly nudging me to get back into my previous industry, and after all this time I think I'm ready to get back to a more stable working environment. I've learned a lot about myself these last few years, and I know who I am, what I need, and what I'm capable of. I know that I have every means to take my talents and put them to use, and I'm sick and tired of being afraid of what might or might not happen.
But courage isn't being unafraid. I think as I've come to really discover the power of this project, I've come to understand that I have every means to self-start and hold myself accountable for my own routines and proclivities in a way that can work in spite of certain aspects of life and human nature that make me anxious and uncomfortable. When I really and truly set my mind to something, I have the chance to do something truly valuable with it, and I also know that managing burnout is an immensely important thing for someone of my build and stock. Even more than that, I've come to appreciate the power of a soft but powerful reframe; all that black-or-white thinking takes a toll after some time. I've learned just how my pride works, and know how to wrap my thoughts and actions around it to keep it quelled in a way that doesn't make me feel like I'm wallowing in despair. There's a sick type of pride when it's found in despair, but I know that humility is the way to exaltation, and I know that God will work me through the right stages of repentance to give me the wisdom I need to tackle any challenge.
Being chronically fatigued and tired is no fun, but there comes a time where you get so sick and tired of being sick of being so sick and tired—you just have to take that time to rest in a way that might not make sense at first. For me, true productive rest comes from quelling that pride, knowing that I'm not going to be That Guy all the time, despite what other people might think of me based on my intelligence or competence. Maybe I'm just a weird little guy who needs to take a nap and cry in the bathroom sometimes, okay? I have no qualms with that, and if anyone else does, that is actually Not My Problem.
This constant oscillation between wakeful anxiety and systemic fatigue is one that might seem unique to our time, but it's a rather gross human constant. Heck, I'd even go so far as to say that it's "natural" even though I think that's an ideologically bloated and perverse turn of phrase. But no matter, the beat marches on. Life begins and ends with the breath, and I've come to learn the importance—as well as the dangers—of tuning into your inner frequency. There's a lot of crazy and inexplicable stuff in those hypnagogic states when you try to do those meditations or whatever you want to call them; the worlds that reside behind our eyes call to a greater thing for me, regardless of my already religious disposition. How can you not see it, even in the puddles of the ordinary? We get so used to our surroundings, our routines; it's a constant battle to remember the wonders of a simple cigarette on the back patio, a weirdly concocted mass of sweetened chemicals going down the throat. In it, I find a strange resolution, despite the irregularities surrounding me every second of every day.
One that might find its home in Heaven soon, I suppose.
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